week one: we went to masai land. the masai are a relatively well-known tribe in kenya & tanzania. we slept in an empty home next to the church. the land was flat and beautiful and enormous. the sky was bigger than ive ever seen before. the stars were brighter than ive ever seen before. the people were so friendly & welcoming. our stay there was first class. my team of 12 managed to consume 10 chickens and two goats within a span of 6 days. figure that one out.
the ministry was relatively slow. most of the people around were believers already, and so we spent most of our time working within the church and at the church members houses.
this week i got pretty personal with the Lord. i sat and watched the sunset one night, and realized He painted it just for me. i remembered asking my own dad to draw unicorns for me when i was little, and God showed me He can do alot better than that. also, one night i asked for a shooting star. i sat there and waited and waited, and then it came. it all occured to me at once that the God who is so big He controls the stars, actually listens to me when i speak to Him. that blew my mind. i got to spend my birthday with the masai people and my team. they overwhelmed me with blessing. i was amazed at God. i was amazed i was in africa at my age, i was amazed that i am who i am at this age, i was amazed at what God has done for,to,through me for the last 18 years. i was amazed.
there was this guy, his name was lapapa. he is lame, and he crawls by himself everywhere he goes. he can't really communicate. he loves dancing. he always comes to church, and he always sits in the back. i noticed him right from the beginning, and my heart moved inside of me. this week, i spent much time praying for him, talking with him, being with him.
i realized this week that my ministry will be to the forgotten ones. the ones in the background, the ones left out by the other people, the other christians. these are the ones that draw my attention. this week blessed my heart.
week two: we spent in olololunga- or something like that. still in masai land. this place was very different. it was closer to town and the people were very different. more closed. less hospitable. we went for door to door for the first few days. i got to stay with a beautiful family- the saderas. they were so precious. i could only speak to them in swahili, so after about an hour, communication was limited. the mother, mary, was so sweet. i felt pretty at home there, although we had to pee in the bush and i didnt shower all week. we got to do devotions with them in the evening, and upon leaving the father said "you have reminded us what it means to be a family, to be united again." this was a miracle.
i got to see three people meet Jesus for the first time this week. one was a little girl that we met in the neighbors house, the other was a young guy who tended to the cows, and the other was a boy that stayed with the family i stayed with. these were beautiful experiences.
at the end of the week i got food poisoning and moved to a different house and laid in bed all day. thats about it.
week three: pokot. so, the journey there was 2 days long. after an overnight bus ride (on which none of us slept), we took a matatu from kitale to some other town. then, we waited there for like 3 hours and got to speak to the street kids- that was touching. then, went on a lori to kapanguria. i got to sit on the very top for 4 hours straight. although i felt like my butt was going to fall off, it was incredible. i was so thankful and free. the scenery was beautiful- like nothing ive ever seen before. it was a once in a lifetime experience. then, our wheel broke and we waited in a small town until dark- for 2 hours. after that, we went for about 7km more until the lori finally broke down completely. this was at about 10 at night. the girls took another lori to the nearest town- sigor. we slept on benches in a restaurant-type thing that was open all night. the guys slept in the back of the truck with the luggage, while it was raining. all of us were so tired that we didnt even care what happened. it was hilarious. the next morning at 4, we found a different lori and finally went to the place we were staying. we were staying at a church building that a team from the previous year built there. all of the sudden, the lori pulled over on the side of the road and we had arrived. everything looked exactly the same and the church was so subtle that we were like, "we travelled two days to get..here?" we were welcomed by several old women that spoke no swahili. they had slept under the trees that night waiting for us.
that week was intense. the days were boiling! and there were no buildings beside the church, so there was no shade. there was one well that we got our water from. the water was so salty that when you drank it, you felt more thirsty. we did door to door for a few days. this means we just walked in the bush for a few hours until we stumbled across someone's manyatta. we saw most everyone come to salvation after we shared Jesus with them. at night, some of us slept in the tents, some outside under the stars. i slept under the stars, it was so great! my favorite. we had no toilet, so we all peed in the bush. we had no shower, so we also showered in the bush near the well. it was hilarious because all of the young girls would just come and stare at us showering, and they didn't even speak swahili so there is nothing we could do except smile. so good.
connecting with the people was by far the biggest challenge for me. there was a huge language barrier, we needed 2 different translators most of the time, which were scarcely available. so talking wasnt always an option. but there were always people from the community at our place. they just sat under the trees and talked all day long.
i learned more this week than any other week ive ever lived through.
-as we were sitting inside of a manyatta, struggling to all fit through the door and find places to sit inside, we discussed what life here would really be like. i imagined what it would be like to really sleep here every night, to be uncertain about the food id eat that day, and what it would like when i first woke up in the morning, knowing all i would do that day would be fetch water, take care of cows, cook, sit and talk. it hit me all at once that these people know no different. most of them arent educated at all, especially the adults. it made that verse, "my people perish for lack of knowledge" very real to me. the truth of it was staring me in the face. i thanked God for the knowledge i had, and i still do.
-another thing that occured to me was that God defies logic sometimes. there isnt even a reliable doctor available to these people, they drink salty water straight from the well and milk treated with herbs. they dont eat daily and they are in the hot sun all day. the kids dont wear clothes and their mothers leave them unattended to for long periods of time. they dont have shoes and thorn trees are everywhere. the land is so dry, it produces nothing. how do people live here? how does any of this happen? the grace of God, thats the only answer. His hand is upon them daily. it made me realize not only how big He is, but also how simple He is. to them, that literally is all that He means to them. "the One who gives me food, takes care of my cows, keeps me alive." and as long as they acknowledge that, they are good to go, because we are all held accountable to our knowledge. who can understand the mind of God, right?
-the girls here are basically sold for marriage as young as age 12. they are taken out of school, circumcised, and forced to marry someone so that father gets the cows. when fathers speak of their daughters, they speak of how many cows they are worth. usually after marriage, the wife's job is only to produce kids. if she can't do that, the man usually gets another wife. if the wife doesnt want to have any more kids, she wont shower for months so the man loses his attraction for her and moves on. the strangest thing is- most women don't express dissatisfaction with this life, especially the ones with no education. again, they dont know any different. they dont know what its like to be in relationship or feel loved. this birthed in me a deep realization that the only reason i am who i am, i live where i live, i do what i do, i believe what i believe- is because of God. He could easily have chosen to make me one of these girls in pokot that wouldnt know any different, but He didnt. He put me in the family im in, gave me the opportunities ive had, showed me all these things about Him. and it occured to me that this life i have really isnt mine, its His. and i decided to give it all back to Him.
-i really value relationships now. with my friends and with my family- especially my parents. i see now that relationships arent just automatic or natural, they are really a gift from God. and i know now they are one of the greatest gifts He could ever give us. i am deeply, deeply changed by this new gratefulness.
this place really struck a chord in me. i knew i didnt want the only thing to come out of this time here to be "now, im really thankful." i knew i couldnt just turn my back on this place and continue to forget it like the rest of the world. i knew that the only appropriate response was to do something. what that is exactly, which specific role i play, im not sure. but i know God will show me.
also, we made a documentary about this place and these people. whenever its finished, ill put it on the internet or something & show it in churches and things.
week four & five: these weeks we spent just outside of nairobi. we did mostly school ministry the first week, and the second week i spent working on the documentary at a friends house in nairobi. i got to speak to many highschoolers the first week, and it was a blessing to share God's heart with them.
i think the biggest over arching lesson i learned on this outreach was that God is not finished with me yet. there are parts of my life and my heart that are incomplete. there is insecurity that really keeps me in hiding sometimes, especially in ministry- in expressing Gods heart for people. i know that deeper healing needs to take place so that i can be a lot more like Jesus in my interactions with people. i am ready to wait as long as it takes and do what i need to do in order to go through this process. Jesus' ministry was only 3 years long, but it was the most effective and earth-shattering one because it came from a life of total wholeness. He had much wholeness to offer people. i want this wholeness also. and im willing to wait.
another thing is that ministry is not about the words said, its not about preaching and door to door. its about the atmosphere we create for people. an atmosphere of love and true compassion moves people into the heart of God. an atmosphere of "im only here because i have to be" simply doesnt.
it all boils down to love. per usual.
knowing God, that makes complete sense.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
therefore He is able to save completely.
let me tell you what He has done for me.
He has restored to me all that i have lost. He has preserved me, He has been hiding me in His hand. He has kept the treasure that is inside of me, safe. i have been in His hands, untouched and unseen.
i am a jewel in His hand, a diamond too beautiful for words- for His display. i am His bride, displaying His splendor. i am an esther- intended to change nations. He is removing the spirit of orphanhood. He wants to beautify me, so that i may reign in His palace, to be His bride. He wants to beautify me from the roots up, from my very foundation. He is taking the beauty on the inside of me and bringing it out, to draw out the beauty in others. He will use me to go rescue people from darkness, from the pits of hell- and draw the beauty out of them.
He has given me a gift, He has given me the ability to see people through His eyes. to see them the way He sees them.
He has given me a unique ministry. one that is different.
i am chosen, i am a lily among thorns. i am destined for greatness, not for failure. i dont need to be afraid. He is going to use my past and the pain i have experienced to bring healing and life to others.
on march 28, 2008 the enemy thought that he won. he thought that he stole all i had, and to be honest, i did too. until today. my Father- in His wisdom- has won. He has restored. He has preserved. He has healed me. and the battle is won.
i cant believe it.
..now, all of this came through a few people praying over me. people spoke words over me as i cried and received and laughed and cried. they spoke these words that resonated so deeply in my soul. old roots of worthlessness and defilement were uprooted, as new ones of healing, purity, deep love were grounded. im amazed at the way that God works. i am amazed that He has given me these gifts, that He views me the way that He does. i am amazed that He saves completely. i am amazed that i cannot overestimate His love. im amazed that He calls me bride and He means it. im amazed at the things that are inside of me. and im amazed that i have believed so many lies for so long. its all amazing, its all beyond me.
and i pray that everyone reading this takes time to listen to His voice, because He will speak words over you that will not leave you the same again. whenever He talks to you, its like youre the only person in the whole world. maybe its something about the tone of His voice, or the way He says it, or the sweetness of His words.
or maybe its the fact that the same Word that gave birth to the stars and the earth and the sea, is the same Word that speaks to us now. no wonder it resonates so deeply in our soul. its because its the Truth. the ultimate Truth. and when you hear His voice, your soul will affirm that this is the Truth- this is what youve been waiting to hear. and friend, i promise that the Truth He speaks will set you free.
He has restored to me all that i have lost. He has preserved me, He has been hiding me in His hand. He has kept the treasure that is inside of me, safe. i have been in His hands, untouched and unseen.
i am a jewel in His hand, a diamond too beautiful for words- for His display. i am His bride, displaying His splendor. i am an esther- intended to change nations. He is removing the spirit of orphanhood. He wants to beautify me, so that i may reign in His palace, to be His bride. He wants to beautify me from the roots up, from my very foundation. He is taking the beauty on the inside of me and bringing it out, to draw out the beauty in others. He will use me to go rescue people from darkness, from the pits of hell- and draw the beauty out of them.
He has given me a gift, He has given me the ability to see people through His eyes. to see them the way He sees them.
He has given me a unique ministry. one that is different.
i am chosen, i am a lily among thorns. i am destined for greatness, not for failure. i dont need to be afraid. He is going to use my past and the pain i have experienced to bring healing and life to others.
on march 28, 2008 the enemy thought that he won. he thought that he stole all i had, and to be honest, i did too. until today. my Father- in His wisdom- has won. He has restored. He has preserved. He has healed me. and the battle is won.
i cant believe it.
..now, all of this came through a few people praying over me. people spoke words over me as i cried and received and laughed and cried. they spoke these words that resonated so deeply in my soul. old roots of worthlessness and defilement were uprooted, as new ones of healing, purity, deep love were grounded. im amazed at the way that God works. i am amazed that He has given me these gifts, that He views me the way that He does. i am amazed that He saves completely. i am amazed that i cannot overestimate His love. im amazed that He calls me bride and He means it. im amazed at the things that are inside of me. and im amazed that i have believed so many lies for so long. its all amazing, its all beyond me.
and i pray that everyone reading this takes time to listen to His voice, because He will speak words over you that will not leave you the same again. whenever He talks to you, its like youre the only person in the whole world. maybe its something about the tone of His voice, or the way He says it, or the sweetness of His words.
or maybe its the fact that the same Word that gave birth to the stars and the earth and the sea, is the same Word that speaks to us now. no wonder it resonates so deeply in our soul. its because its the Truth. the ultimate Truth. and when you hear His voice, your soul will affirm that this is the Truth- this is what youve been waiting to hear. and friend, i promise that the Truth He speaks will set you free.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
ive lost count of the weeks..
...and i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing.
ill get straight to the point though.
God and i have been wrestling a lot lately.
i am learning to hear from Him clearly. im learning to discern His voice & drown out all the other ones. im learning what it means to be still and know.
i am learning that He wants me to rest. to accept myself. to love myself. to accept His love. to know Him as my Father. to be led by Him.
something cool thats happened: after days of praying, He told me a few things.
yes, i am in fact called to the poor. to the least of these. to the forgotten and left behind.
yes, i am called to the nations. to a relatively nomadic lifestyle. i am called to the back roads and the sidewalks and the slums and the villages.
yes, there will be suffering. extreme suffering. but He has given me a special grace for a special calling. and i need to learn the art of fasting and prayer.
yes, He has given me the gift of creativity and the ability to make art for a reason. He intends to grow & cultivate this gift in me and use it for His own purposes. this could look like this.
other than that, the classes have been good. one week about the cost of discipleship, the other about biblical relationships.
ive been thinking & praying about what to do after DTS.
i know for sure ill be going to uganda until july 20. i will visit the ywam hopeland base & the phillips in cherish. then from there, im contemplating going to europe for a few weeks to a month. tossing around the idea of backpacking through holland, belgium, france, switzerland, and italy. ywam bases, hostels, couch surfing. peanut butter jelly sandwiches & instant coffee. friends and strangers. people i know and people i dont. bibles and journals. cities and mountain ranges. i dont know yet. im talking it through with Him. we'll see how it goes, or if it goes.
so, thats basically whats been going on lately.
oh, ive been staying the weekends with a lovely family. theyve really blessed me. theyve put a lot of goodness and rest into my life since ive been here. a home away from home. family is a gift from God, and i appreciate it greatly. especially in such unfamiliar territory.
all in all, ive been wandering lately in one way or another. but thats nothing new.
we leave for outreach next weekend. we are going to maasai land. google it. its the bush. yes.
ill get straight to the point though.
God and i have been wrestling a lot lately.
i am learning to hear from Him clearly. im learning to discern His voice & drown out all the other ones. im learning what it means to be still and know.
i am learning that He wants me to rest. to accept myself. to love myself. to accept His love. to know Him as my Father. to be led by Him.
something cool thats happened: after days of praying, He told me a few things.
yes, i am in fact called to the poor. to the least of these. to the forgotten and left behind.
yes, i am called to the nations. to a relatively nomadic lifestyle. i am called to the back roads and the sidewalks and the slums and the villages.
yes, there will be suffering. extreme suffering. but He has given me a special grace for a special calling. and i need to learn the art of fasting and prayer.
yes, He has given me the gift of creativity and the ability to make art for a reason. He intends to grow & cultivate this gift in me and use it for His own purposes. this could look like this.
other than that, the classes have been good. one week about the cost of discipleship, the other about biblical relationships.
ive been thinking & praying about what to do after DTS.
i know for sure ill be going to uganda until july 20. i will visit the ywam hopeland base & the phillips in cherish. then from there, im contemplating going to europe for a few weeks to a month. tossing around the idea of backpacking through holland, belgium, france, switzerland, and italy. ywam bases, hostels, couch surfing. peanut butter jelly sandwiches & instant coffee. friends and strangers. people i know and people i dont. bibles and journals. cities and mountain ranges. i dont know yet. im talking it through with Him. we'll see how it goes, or if it goes.
so, thats basically whats been going on lately.
oh, ive been staying the weekends with a lovely family. theyve really blessed me. theyve put a lot of goodness and rest into my life since ive been here. a home away from home. family is a gift from God, and i appreciate it greatly. especially in such unfamiliar territory.
all in all, ive been wandering lately in one way or another. but thats nothing new.
we leave for outreach next weekend. we are going to maasai land. google it. its the bush. yes.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
outreach
so, outreach.
the first week, we went to muranga. the way there was beautiful. the mountains were covered in green. everywhere was banana trees and shambas. it was beautiful, and it kept hitting me over and over again, "how did i get here? how did i end up in africa?" i marvel at the way God works sometimes.
we did door to door evangelism during the day and revival meetings at night. during door to door, 3 or 4 of us went from one house or shamba to the next. the very first house we went to, we met a quiet girl named juliette. mary & i talked to her. she shared with us her struggle with suicidal thoughts and unforgiveness. God revealed to me some specific things He wanted her to know. she said she went to church, and she was saved. those words mean virtually nothing here, as i would soon find out. almost everyone else we spoke to just wanted us to leave, so they would say all the right words to get us to do so. we ran into a big wall called religion, which i believe is the enemy of Christ. but during one of the revivals, God asked me to share my testimony and to tell people about His love. while i was speaking, the Spirit took over and developed a deep burden for the faces staring back at me. these lost souls trapped in bodies that wreaked of alcohol and filth. rejected by everyone, no hope. this was life for them. and the severity of hell for these people hit me like a bag of something too heavy for me to carry. i sat outside and wept on behalf of these beautiful souls. that was a breakthrough.
some of the guys on our team were staying with an mzee (old man) next door. his name was john. we went to his house one day, and as he explained how his wife and son died last year, my heart caught on fire again. i felt God's love for this man deep inside of me. he has been living alone, tending to his shamba and enslaved by the monster called alcohol. he just looked at me, expecting a sermon or something. i listened to his words of depression and loneliness and hope lost. i told him about my dad, and how he also lost his son. i told him about his wrestling match with God about it, i told him about the hole it left inside of him. i said that God only heals him as much as he releases to Him. i told him about my mothers battle for freedom and life abudant. i told him of the victory and liberty she has been experiencing in Christ the last year. i told him about me, the more i give up on trying to fix myself, and give up to God, the more He comes in and makes things right in my heart. i explained salvation like our heart is a home, and Christ is knocking at the door, but he has to open it. he said he'd call me when he wanted to be saved. he was shocked a mzungu like me had ever tasted alcohol, had ever had problems, or had come to do schooling in africa of all places. ha.
*note to my family: please, be praying for this man. he needs a family. the knocking needs to get so loud he cant bear it. he needs to know the saving love of our Savior. he needs healing and restoration.
on saturday, i spoke at a youth seminar about sex, drugs, and alcohol. about how its trying to fill a hole that only God can.
on sunday, i preached at a small church about the Body of Christ. after john came into the service drunk and everyone laughed at him, i stood up again and slammed my fist on the table. i yelled. i yelled because if we want to see less drunkards & prostitutes out there and more children of God in here, we have to cut this crap out. who did Jesus come for? who did He spend time with? who are we following? why do we put up walls between us and the ones we are supposed to be reaching out to? everyone stared at me wide-eyed, and after i sat down, we all cried and repented on our knees. praise God. i love the way Jesus is so counter-cultural. i love the way He is so bold sometimes, and so gentle other. i love the way that He makes me raise my voice.
so, we left muranga in faith that seeds were sewn and we hit religion below the belt. most of all, in faith we'd done what Jesus told us to.
we went to kids alive karundas in embu. its like a childrens home, with kids from real young to teens. the facilities were all really nice, and the week was really comfortable. i worked with some other ladies on the team to put together a program for the teenage girls. we met twice a day, and discussed physical, spiritual, emotional brokenness & wholeness. the girls were really closed, so i dont know how much of what we spoke about really sank in. this week, i found it really hard to focus on Christ although i spent a lot of time by myself.
then, we went to embu. we stayed at a boarding school that no one was in. it reminds me of a prison. the mattresses wreaked of old and nasty somethings. and everyday we eat ugali and cabbage. the water may or may not have had amoebas. we literally walked 10 miles a day. we worked with a church that reminded me of black american televangelism. it was the best week of outreach.
we did door to door, and the community was a lot more accepting and open. i think there had been much intercession for these people. the first day, we saw the Lord draw a lady to Himself, and we got to pray with her.
also, 3 guys came up to the school we were staying at and (in samburu) asked us to tell them about God. we shared the Gospel with them, and the all came to Jesus. one in particular caught my attention from the very beginning. he had a special light in his eyes, like he was really alive. thats a rare thing to see here, most of the people seem to be going through the day to day, questioning nothings, processing nothing, creating nothing. just getting by. but he wanted something more, and i saw him find this in Christ. he came with us on door to door. the next few days, i spent most of my free time talking to him (through a translator). "what do you wanna be?" "a prayer warrior." i loved seeing the hand of God in his life. when God does something, its beautiful. im very thankful i got to participate. he gave me his bracelet and i gave him mine. we pray for eachother.
during door to door, phelix & i went to a brewery. about 10 drunkards were sitting around, drinking. i walked in and immediately got the whistles and glances, but just greeted them and took my seat. we debated with them about whether drinking is a sin or not. i explained how the hole they are trying to fill with alchohol is only going to get bigger with time, and they all got silent. i assured them it can only be filled with Christ. they were surprisingly attentive. i love these people.
during the time i spent with Jesus these weeks these are some things i learned:
He wants to ween me off of my dependency on my emotions. how much i seek Him shouldnt depend on how im feeling that day.
God is perfecting me, and thats not necessarily what i signed up for. but its what i get. He doesnt want me to be ordinary or decent, but a saint. not just good, but perfect. the only thing about to stand in the way is me. when trouble comes (moeny, illness, spiritual dryness, suffering) it is because He isnt content to leave me the same. He is still purifying me because after i come out of it on the other side, i will look more like Christ. it seems excessive to me, because i dont understand the greatness to which He has called me. i ask Him to come into my heart and fix up the leaking pipe and squeaky door, because i know thats broken. but when He digs up the foundation, i dont get it because i dont see that He intends to build a palace. after all, the King of Kings is going to live there.
the best ministry is the kind that the Spirit tells you to do. you know, when you have a real burden and passion and love for the people that comes from Him. not the kind you force or do because you are supposed to.
as His children, His love for us never changes. but as we grow up, His expectations of us & our responsibilities do change.
its only about staying connected to Him, remaining in Him. all else flows out of that. literally, everything.
theres different stages of our relationship with Christ: potter/clay, sheperd/sheep, master/servant, friend/friend, Father/daughter, bride/groom.
God has given me a heart for those that are hard for others to love. for drunkards, prostitutes, the destitute and hopeless. i thank Him for this.
"Christ, id walk across hot coals for You." "abby, I died on a cross for you." got me there, Jesus.
thanks for all of you who prayed. He heard you.
penda.
the first week, we went to muranga. the way there was beautiful. the mountains were covered in green. everywhere was banana trees and shambas. it was beautiful, and it kept hitting me over and over again, "how did i get here? how did i end up in africa?" i marvel at the way God works sometimes.
we did door to door evangelism during the day and revival meetings at night. during door to door, 3 or 4 of us went from one house or shamba to the next. the very first house we went to, we met a quiet girl named juliette. mary & i talked to her. she shared with us her struggle with suicidal thoughts and unforgiveness. God revealed to me some specific things He wanted her to know. she said she went to church, and she was saved. those words mean virtually nothing here, as i would soon find out. almost everyone else we spoke to just wanted us to leave, so they would say all the right words to get us to do so. we ran into a big wall called religion, which i believe is the enemy of Christ. but during one of the revivals, God asked me to share my testimony and to tell people about His love. while i was speaking, the Spirit took over and developed a deep burden for the faces staring back at me. these lost souls trapped in bodies that wreaked of alcohol and filth. rejected by everyone, no hope. this was life for them. and the severity of hell for these people hit me like a bag of something too heavy for me to carry. i sat outside and wept on behalf of these beautiful souls. that was a breakthrough.
some of the guys on our team were staying with an mzee (old man) next door. his name was john. we went to his house one day, and as he explained how his wife and son died last year, my heart caught on fire again. i felt God's love for this man deep inside of me. he has been living alone, tending to his shamba and enslaved by the monster called alcohol. he just looked at me, expecting a sermon or something. i listened to his words of depression and loneliness and hope lost. i told him about my dad, and how he also lost his son. i told him about his wrestling match with God about it, i told him about the hole it left inside of him. i said that God only heals him as much as he releases to Him. i told him about my mothers battle for freedom and life abudant. i told him of the victory and liberty she has been experiencing in Christ the last year. i told him about me, the more i give up on trying to fix myself, and give up to God, the more He comes in and makes things right in my heart. i explained salvation like our heart is a home, and Christ is knocking at the door, but he has to open it. he said he'd call me when he wanted to be saved. he was shocked a mzungu like me had ever tasted alcohol, had ever had problems, or had come to do schooling in africa of all places. ha.
*note to my family: please, be praying for this man. he needs a family. the knocking needs to get so loud he cant bear it. he needs to know the saving love of our Savior. he needs healing and restoration.
on saturday, i spoke at a youth seminar about sex, drugs, and alcohol. about how its trying to fill a hole that only God can.
on sunday, i preached at a small church about the Body of Christ. after john came into the service drunk and everyone laughed at him, i stood up again and slammed my fist on the table. i yelled. i yelled because if we want to see less drunkards & prostitutes out there and more children of God in here, we have to cut this crap out. who did Jesus come for? who did He spend time with? who are we following? why do we put up walls between us and the ones we are supposed to be reaching out to? everyone stared at me wide-eyed, and after i sat down, we all cried and repented on our knees. praise God. i love the way Jesus is so counter-cultural. i love the way He is so bold sometimes, and so gentle other. i love the way that He makes me raise my voice.
so, we left muranga in faith that seeds were sewn and we hit religion below the belt. most of all, in faith we'd done what Jesus told us to.
we went to kids alive karundas in embu. its like a childrens home, with kids from real young to teens. the facilities were all really nice, and the week was really comfortable. i worked with some other ladies on the team to put together a program for the teenage girls. we met twice a day, and discussed physical, spiritual, emotional brokenness & wholeness. the girls were really closed, so i dont know how much of what we spoke about really sank in. this week, i found it really hard to focus on Christ although i spent a lot of time by myself.
then, we went to embu. we stayed at a boarding school that no one was in. it reminds me of a prison. the mattresses wreaked of old and nasty somethings. and everyday we eat ugali and cabbage. the water may or may not have had amoebas. we literally walked 10 miles a day. we worked with a church that reminded me of black american televangelism. it was the best week of outreach.
we did door to door, and the community was a lot more accepting and open. i think there had been much intercession for these people. the first day, we saw the Lord draw a lady to Himself, and we got to pray with her.
also, 3 guys came up to the school we were staying at and (in samburu) asked us to tell them about God. we shared the Gospel with them, and the all came to Jesus. one in particular caught my attention from the very beginning. he had a special light in his eyes, like he was really alive. thats a rare thing to see here, most of the people seem to be going through the day to day, questioning nothings, processing nothing, creating nothing. just getting by. but he wanted something more, and i saw him find this in Christ. he came with us on door to door. the next few days, i spent most of my free time talking to him (through a translator). "what do you wanna be?" "a prayer warrior." i loved seeing the hand of God in his life. when God does something, its beautiful. im very thankful i got to participate. he gave me his bracelet and i gave him mine. we pray for eachother.
during door to door, phelix & i went to a brewery. about 10 drunkards were sitting around, drinking. i walked in and immediately got the whistles and glances, but just greeted them and took my seat. we debated with them about whether drinking is a sin or not. i explained how the hole they are trying to fill with alchohol is only going to get bigger with time, and they all got silent. i assured them it can only be filled with Christ. they were surprisingly attentive. i love these people.
during the time i spent with Jesus these weeks these are some things i learned:
He wants to ween me off of my dependency on my emotions. how much i seek Him shouldnt depend on how im feeling that day.
God is perfecting me, and thats not necessarily what i signed up for. but its what i get. He doesnt want me to be ordinary or decent, but a saint. not just good, but perfect. the only thing about to stand in the way is me. when trouble comes (moeny, illness, spiritual dryness, suffering) it is because He isnt content to leave me the same. He is still purifying me because after i come out of it on the other side, i will look more like Christ. it seems excessive to me, because i dont understand the greatness to which He has called me. i ask Him to come into my heart and fix up the leaking pipe and squeaky door, because i know thats broken. but when He digs up the foundation, i dont get it because i dont see that He intends to build a palace. after all, the King of Kings is going to live there.
the best ministry is the kind that the Spirit tells you to do. you know, when you have a real burden and passion and love for the people that comes from Him. not the kind you force or do because you are supposed to.
as His children, His love for us never changes. but as we grow up, His expectations of us & our responsibilities do change.
its only about staying connected to Him, remaining in Him. all else flows out of that. literally, everything.
theres different stages of our relationship with Christ: potter/clay, sheperd/sheep, master/servant, friend/friend, Father/daughter, bride/groom.
God has given me a heart for those that are hard for others to love. for drunkards, prostitutes, the destitute and hopeless. i thank Him for this.
"Christ, id walk across hot coals for You." "abby, I died on a cross for you." got me there, Jesus.
thanks for all of you who prayed. He heard you.
penda.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
week nine
two months already? weird. it feels like ive been here forever, but it sure doesnt feel like ive been gone that long. really, i suppose two months isnt that long afterall.
this week, had a man named tony taylor from england. he taught on the Holy Spirit. but all throughout the week, he was like a father to all the students. taking every opportunity to have one on one conversations with everyone, making time for all of us.
in the first few days, i started to realize something. that my whole foundation was wrong. that for my whole life, my relationship with God had been based on my own merit, obedience, how well i did things- not on Christ and His righteousness. this shed a whole new light on things. also, i learned things like "love doesnt demand a change, it produces one." God doesnt wait until i am better behaved or nicer to others to love me, He loves me now, as i am. and that Love doesnt leave me the same, it changes me. He doesnt love me because of whats inside of me, but because that is His nature. how liberating.
also, this relationship with God isnt a test to pass, i dont have to make the grade by fasting 40 days or reading my Bible for 3 hours a day or witnessing to 4 people a day. that has already been done for me in Christ's sacrifice. i dont pray because i have to, but because i want to. whenever i learn to rest in Him, that is when i will really grow. the more i know Him, the more i desire Him, the more i serve Him, the more my defenses come down. ive had it all backwards. its like if i was playing candyland or monopoly, if i skipped the starting point and started halfway up the board. it just cant work that way for long. i must start with Christ. moreso, in Christ. this is where i grow.
see, He is the vine and i am the branches. as i remain in Him, He remains in me. and as this happens, i start to bear fruit, i dont produce it. it doesnt come from me striving and pushing and forcing, but just continuing to be connected to the vine. thats all.
this really simplifies Christianity in general. its not a to-do list, its not an exam. its something free and enjoyable, knowing that anything good coming out of me is from the Christ in me. its just a matter of being aware of and open to Christ.
all of this seems to easy though, sindiyo? whats my part? phil 2:12, to work out my salvation, for it is God who works in me to will and act and fulfill His own good purpose. i work out what He works in. its a response to what He is doing inside of me. so, its still simple.
this being said, it doesnt make sense for us Christ-lovers to pray for specific virtues or fruits, like "Lord, make me more patient" as if God was hovering in a helicopter waiting to bomb some patience on our lives. God doesnt just give us one virtue or the other, He gives us Christ, fully Christ. and in Christ, all of these good things are found. so what we really need is more Christ. glory.
o
ne thing we tend to say and think is "less of me, more of Christ", like we must lose our own personality and preferences and such. God created each of us, to be the way we are. it goes more like, the more we are ourselves, the more Christ can be Himself in us. i havent quite wrapped my head around this one, but it makes sense to me.
He also taught on the Holy Spirit's gifts (1 Cor 12) and baptism into the Holy Spirit, or being filled. these are things ive never really heard of or spent any time on. but since ive been here, ive heard people speaking in tongues & prophesying and such for the first time in my life. i see how in the right situations, it really does edify & build up the Body of Christ. i see the use of these things now. they are important, and they are available to anyone that has the Spirit and should be used in accordance with His prompting for helping others. they arent for our use, but others.
outside of class, God has been bringing up a lot of the past for us to deal with and go over. ive finally allowed myself to be hurt from things and feel pain that i never did. i realized that i kind of skipped being a kid, and so its hard for me to understand just what it means to be a child of God, just resting with Him and spending time with Him just because He's my Papa. i realized that i probably had a lot of walls up towards God and shut down to Him. i realized that i dont necessarily trust Jesus with all of me, simply because He is a guy. this is something we are working through.
He spoke to me that He wants to restore some of my relationships, that He wants reconciliation in my life. i told Him okay.
someone said to me recently:
"But, then other people...seem to be gifted with unusual circumstance....circumstance that grows them in a different way. In a way that allows them to see more...and eventually be more. this ability to see deeper and farther, to persevere....to be undeterred...this comes from having to see deeper and farther, having to persevere....having to be undeterred. This is what is formed out of your pain. Empathy, understanding, vision. Thank God for the gift, Abby. Most people don't have it."
the reality of suffering has been coming up lately. my whole life, i have felt a sense of heaviness and burden. i know that following Jesus often takes us through suffering. mama t lived through 40 years of "darkness of the soul" where she felt as though God had abandoned her.
now, i see that we are called to rejoice in suffering. and suffering isnt feelings of depression, self condemnation, isolation, guilt. its not giving into the enemy's lies.
anyway, i told God that if He has called me to a life of suffering, that i would do it as long as He was with me and i had joy in it. if He has called me to a life of freedom and joy and abandon, thats a different story. an unfamiliar one. this is uncharted territory and honestly more a step of faith than the other one. but either way, its Christ in me. what do you think?
anyway, we have been praying for outreach lately. fasting/praying one day a week and putting together different programs to do. we leave on monday. heres the gameplan:
week one-murang'a (central kenya). door to door evangelism, open air & revival meetings. really uncomfortable for me seeing as i am into more long term, relational discipling. but i know God works in ways bigger than my preferences. well be staying with different people from the church & making our own food. on saturday, we will be doing a youth seminar in which me & john will talk about sex,drugs,alcoholism in light of the freedom in Christ. how will that play out? good question.
week 2- nyeri. we will be at a compound called kids alive that has different homes with families of orphans. well be spending time with them and doing different small groups & stuff, focusing on the death & resurrection of Jesus.
week 3- embu. not sure whats going down there.
anyway, then we will be back may 1. yep.
people have been asking for prayer requests:
- mark 3:20-30. unity, seriously though. some of us arent really serious about this, and others are. we arent all on the same page in our walk with Jesus, and its important that we dont become divided when things get tough. please pray that we would the Spirit would knit us together & we'd learn to lay down our lives for our brothers..every day.
- 2 cor 12:9-10. we are weak. that His power would be made perfect in this weakness. if we were capable of doing this on our own, then we couldnt blame it on God if awesome things happen.
- that people would blossom, especially in their giftings. that they would get out of their comfort zones and take a step of faith. that each and every person would make themselves available to be used by God.
- that above all, we would love eachother, love God, and love the world. in one way, its ministry. but i dont want this to turn into some religious competition or miracle workshop. really, its just doing life as usual but in a new place with new faces.
- that His joy would be our strength, and that we would wait on Him so that we can be directed by Him & not grow weary/overwork ourselves.
- that His glory would be our aim, always. that pride would be killed daily.
- however else the Spirit leads you, and if you want, He will lead you.
i am greatly encouraged knowing i have a family across the world interceding for these weeks. thank you all for remaining committed. its a beautiful thing, and i thank God for it.
penda
this week, had a man named tony taylor from england. he taught on the Holy Spirit. but all throughout the week, he was like a father to all the students. taking every opportunity to have one on one conversations with everyone, making time for all of us.
in the first few days, i started to realize something. that my whole foundation was wrong. that for my whole life, my relationship with God had been based on my own merit, obedience, how well i did things- not on Christ and His righteousness. this shed a whole new light on things. also, i learned things like "love doesnt demand a change, it produces one." God doesnt wait until i am better behaved or nicer to others to love me, He loves me now, as i am. and that Love doesnt leave me the same, it changes me. He doesnt love me because of whats inside of me, but because that is His nature. how liberating.
also, this relationship with God isnt a test to pass, i dont have to make the grade by fasting 40 days or reading my Bible for 3 hours a day or witnessing to 4 people a day. that has already been done for me in Christ's sacrifice. i dont pray because i have to, but because i want to. whenever i learn to rest in Him, that is when i will really grow. the more i know Him, the more i desire Him, the more i serve Him, the more my defenses come down. ive had it all backwards. its like if i was playing candyland or monopoly, if i skipped the starting point and started halfway up the board. it just cant work that way for long. i must start with Christ. moreso, in Christ. this is where i grow.
see, He is the vine and i am the branches. as i remain in Him, He remains in me. and as this happens, i start to bear fruit, i dont produce it. it doesnt come from me striving and pushing and forcing, but just continuing to be connected to the vine. thats all.
this really simplifies Christianity in general. its not a to-do list, its not an exam. its something free and enjoyable, knowing that anything good coming out of me is from the Christ in me. its just a matter of being aware of and open to Christ.
all of this seems to easy though, sindiyo? whats my part? phil 2:12, to work out my salvation, for it is God who works in me to will and act and fulfill His own good purpose. i work out what He works in. its a response to what He is doing inside of me. so, its still simple.
this being said, it doesnt make sense for us Christ-lovers to pray for specific virtues or fruits, like "Lord, make me more patient" as if God was hovering in a helicopter waiting to bomb some patience on our lives. God doesnt just give us one virtue or the other, He gives us Christ, fully Christ. and in Christ, all of these good things are found. so what we really need is more Christ. glory.
o
ne thing we tend to say and think is "less of me, more of Christ", like we must lose our own personality and preferences and such. God created each of us, to be the way we are. it goes more like, the more we are ourselves, the more Christ can be Himself in us. i havent quite wrapped my head around this one, but it makes sense to me.
He also taught on the Holy Spirit's gifts (1 Cor 12) and baptism into the Holy Spirit, or being filled. these are things ive never really heard of or spent any time on. but since ive been here, ive heard people speaking in tongues & prophesying and such for the first time in my life. i see how in the right situations, it really does edify & build up the Body of Christ. i see the use of these things now. they are important, and they are available to anyone that has the Spirit and should be used in accordance with His prompting for helping others. they arent for our use, but others.
outside of class, God has been bringing up a lot of the past for us to deal with and go over. ive finally allowed myself to be hurt from things and feel pain that i never did. i realized that i kind of skipped being a kid, and so its hard for me to understand just what it means to be a child of God, just resting with Him and spending time with Him just because He's my Papa. i realized that i probably had a lot of walls up towards God and shut down to Him. i realized that i dont necessarily trust Jesus with all of me, simply because He is a guy. this is something we are working through.
He spoke to me that He wants to restore some of my relationships, that He wants reconciliation in my life. i told Him okay.
someone said to me recently:
"But, then other people...seem to be gifted with unusual circumstance....circumstance that grows them in a different way. In a way that allows them to see more...and eventually be more. this ability to see deeper and farther, to persevere....to be undeterred...this comes from having to see deeper and farther, having to persevere....having to be undeterred. This is what is formed out of your pain. Empathy, understanding, vision. Thank God for the gift, Abby. Most people don't have it."
the reality of suffering has been coming up lately. my whole life, i have felt a sense of heaviness and burden. i know that following Jesus often takes us through suffering. mama t lived through 40 years of "darkness of the soul" where she felt as though God had abandoned her.
now, i see that we are called to rejoice in suffering. and suffering isnt feelings of depression, self condemnation, isolation, guilt. its not giving into the enemy's lies.
anyway, i told God that if He has called me to a life of suffering, that i would do it as long as He was with me and i had joy in it. if He has called me to a life of freedom and joy and abandon, thats a different story. an unfamiliar one. this is uncharted territory and honestly more a step of faith than the other one. but either way, its Christ in me. what do you think?
anyway, we have been praying for outreach lately. fasting/praying one day a week and putting together different programs to do. we leave on monday. heres the gameplan:
week one-murang'a (central kenya). door to door evangelism, open air & revival meetings. really uncomfortable for me seeing as i am into more long term, relational discipling. but i know God works in ways bigger than my preferences. well be staying with different people from the church & making our own food. on saturday, we will be doing a youth seminar in which me & john will talk about sex,drugs,alcoholism in light of the freedom in Christ. how will that play out? good question.
week 2- nyeri. we will be at a compound called kids alive that has different homes with families of orphans. well be spending time with them and doing different small groups & stuff, focusing on the death & resurrection of Jesus.
week 3- embu. not sure whats going down there.
anyway, then we will be back may 1. yep.
people have been asking for prayer requests:
- mark 3:20-30. unity, seriously though. some of us arent really serious about this, and others are. we arent all on the same page in our walk with Jesus, and its important that we dont become divided when things get tough. please pray that we would the Spirit would knit us together & we'd learn to lay down our lives for our brothers..every day.
- 2 cor 12:9-10. we are weak. that His power would be made perfect in this weakness. if we were capable of doing this on our own, then we couldnt blame it on God if awesome things happen.
- that people would blossom, especially in their giftings. that they would get out of their comfort zones and take a step of faith. that each and every person would make themselves available to be used by God.
- that above all, we would love eachother, love God, and love the world. in one way, its ministry. but i dont want this to turn into some religious competition or miracle workshop. really, its just doing life as usual but in a new place with new faces.
- that His joy would be our strength, and that we would wait on Him so that we can be directed by Him & not grow weary/overwork ourselves.
- that His glory would be our aim, always. that pride would be killed daily.
- however else the Spirit leads you, and if you want, He will lead you.
i am greatly encouraged knowing i have a family across the world interceding for these weeks. thank you all for remaining committed. its a beautiful thing, and i thank God for it.
penda
Monday, April 4, 2011
week eight
this week, an english lady from mombasa named karin came to speak about plumbline (aligning your life to Gods standards) & inner healing. the teachings were really good. she started the topic of inner healing with the picture of a tree with roots that are bad, like rejection, fear, bitterness, guilt, improper imaging from parents which results in people that hide and have inner turmoil and are confused, and produces fruit like low self-esteem, self-pity, judging others, anger, control, hatred, addiction, etc etc. that was a really helpful picture for me. i realized that i really have an unhealthy fear of displeasing God, failing Him, or making any kind of commitments (ie getting stuck). she spoke also on strongholds, which starts with a thought and ends up in a lifestyle or something that defines me. she also talked about renewing our minds. it starts with offering yourself as living sacrifice; voluntarily climbing on that altar, with nothing belonging to me anymore. then rejecting the worlds values and what it says is right or wrong, then putting off the old and putting on the new, then moving into freedom by putting off strongholds, then receiving it! its a process, like anything else.
ive chosen again and again to forgive the people that have hurt me, and my friend gladis & i prayed & chose to walk in freedom of insecurity from now on, taking captive those thoughts & making them obey Christ (which is by far the hardest part).
this week, ive had doubts about my spiritual growth or health or whatever, which can start eating me up if i let it. after talking to my friend patra, i just laid on the grass outside and gave up. i decided to quit striving (again) and start resting, whatever that means.
also, i got to pray for one of my friends here about forgiving her dad, and the Spirit really showed up. it was really awesome to see her get released & healed. it was great to be able to speak Truth over her and see the effects of it. it was a real beautiful thing.
by the end of it, she illustrated another tree. one rooted & grounded in Christ's Love. (eph 3:17) where i am valuable, guilt-free, accepted, unique, secure, loved and learning to live in the Spirit, relaxed, and the fruits are (gal 5:22) love, patience, self-control, faithfulness, goodness, joy, etc. i really desire to live like this. really really.
then, on the weekend, i went with susan to kibera. we spent the day with boaz. we went to christine's, jane's, johnston's, and his houses. i got to spend time with mama boaz and she explained how every now and then she packs up everything and travels back to her village in western kenya whenever she cant make money here. then, when she needs money there, she comes back to kibera to move in again and try to find a new job. what a hassle! i hate how everything is dictated by money. cant escape it.
while i was visiting christine, she explained how her house burnt down in an electrical fire and her 4 year old brother was killed right in front of her. that was the beginning of this year. she failed her exams and chose to repeat class 8 (for the third time) and her sister was really struggling to provide food for the family. i just wish there was more that i could do than just pray. but, i did what i could. i tried to explain that its okay to feel hurt and pain, that we have to be honest with God and be healed that way. i also prayed like i meant it.
anyway, then i saw jane who is going to kenyatta university and staying in a hostel in nairobi. ive missed her.
all things considered, it was great to be back in kibera. i missed it. one thing i have noticed and heard said by many kenyans is that it is becoming like a tourist attraction for mzungu humanitarians now a days. there is still a huge disconnect between the people in kibera & the people in nairobi though. two seperate worlds. and i see a sense of dependency on westerners really perpetuated there. not so much empowerment of the youth, which i think is key.
yes, long week.
ive chosen again and again to forgive the people that have hurt me, and my friend gladis & i prayed & chose to walk in freedom of insecurity from now on, taking captive those thoughts & making them obey Christ (which is by far the hardest part).
this week, ive had doubts about my spiritual growth or health or whatever, which can start eating me up if i let it. after talking to my friend patra, i just laid on the grass outside and gave up. i decided to quit striving (again) and start resting, whatever that means.
also, i got to pray for one of my friends here about forgiving her dad, and the Spirit really showed up. it was really awesome to see her get released & healed. it was great to be able to speak Truth over her and see the effects of it. it was a real beautiful thing.
by the end of it, she illustrated another tree. one rooted & grounded in Christ's Love. (eph 3:17) where i am valuable, guilt-free, accepted, unique, secure, loved and learning to live in the Spirit, relaxed, and the fruits are (gal 5:22) love, patience, self-control, faithfulness, goodness, joy, etc. i really desire to live like this. really really.
then, on the weekend, i went with susan to kibera. we spent the day with boaz. we went to christine's, jane's, johnston's, and his houses. i got to spend time with mama boaz and she explained how every now and then she packs up everything and travels back to her village in western kenya whenever she cant make money here. then, when she needs money there, she comes back to kibera to move in again and try to find a new job. what a hassle! i hate how everything is dictated by money. cant escape it.
while i was visiting christine, she explained how her house burnt down in an electrical fire and her 4 year old brother was killed right in front of her. that was the beginning of this year. she failed her exams and chose to repeat class 8 (for the third time) and her sister was really struggling to provide food for the family. i just wish there was more that i could do than just pray. but, i did what i could. i tried to explain that its okay to feel hurt and pain, that we have to be honest with God and be healed that way. i also prayed like i meant it.
anyway, then i saw jane who is going to kenyatta university and staying in a hostel in nairobi. ive missed her.
all things considered, it was great to be back in kibera. i missed it. one thing i have noticed and heard said by many kenyans is that it is becoming like a tourist attraction for mzungu humanitarians now a days. there is still a huge disconnect between the people in kibera & the people in nairobi though. two seperate worlds. and i see a sense of dependency on westerners really perpetuated there. not so much empowerment of the youth, which i think is key.
yes, long week.
Monday, March 28, 2011
week seven
this week, we had a man from the hopeland base (in uganda) named leo. he talked about worldview. basically, he talked about different parts of the world. when he talked about india, i felt like my heart caught on fire. but that isnt rare. that happens when anyone talks about basically anywhere besides china, most of europe, or south america. ha.
on monday night, i locked myself in a room and listened to music and danced for Jesus. that was really liberating. tuesday morning, i spent time on my knees, really aware of the fact that He was standing right in front of me, even though i couldnt see Him. i opened my hands, believing with everything in me that if He wanted to, He could literally touch me or drop something into them. it was a new feeling, i was at a loss for words when He stood in front of me. i realized that He is always present, its just a matter of how aware of this we are or not. this changes everything, really. because if the risen Jesus is walking around beside/inside of us, it must means that we must seize every opportunity and start living with purpose.
my mind was swarmed with thoughts of general self-condemnation and guilt this week, as i struggled to try and desire God above all else (money, security, comfort, etc). the topic of fasting keeps coming up, and everytime it comes to my mind i get a nauseous and guilty feeling, it doesnt feel like the Holy Spirit. i dont get a peace about it. but then again, ive never had a positive experience with it. i prayed with my friend patra about it and asked God what He wanted me to do about it, and He said to both of us "not yet". this week feels like ive been searching and striving a whole lot, with not much result.
generational sin came up a lot also, how the sins of our parents & their families are often passed down to us. that was interesting, because i found that it was more or less accurate. i struggle with a lot of the same things that my parents do. what to do with this information, im not sure. we just prayed that it would be cut off from my life.
one day while painting, i had this revelation about myself. i desire some sort of consistency of feeling in my life. like a constant joy, a constant freedom, a constant anything really. but this just cant happen with our emotions, because we live in a place that sucks where nothing remains the same. but the Christ in me doesnt change, so that says something.
here, i find it harder to be generous for several reasons. one, i dont want to perpetuate the idea of mzungu=money and create a dependency on either me or westerners. i want to empower the people, not enslave them anymore than they already are. so this means that i cant be driven by need, but by the Spirit. so, i must be more cautious when giving. another thing is that i have no idea how much i will need if i were to prolong my stay here or change one of my tickets back home. theres this vulnerability now that wasnt there before, because i have a limited supply of finances. so, i feel as though i must consult God before every time i spend, although it comes a lot more naturally when considering giving to someone else, because of my selfishness. this has been frustrating.
on the other hand, we have started to prepare skits & songs for our 3-week outreach that is coming up pretty soon. i have been picking up what seems to be a lot of swahili lately. i can understand bits and pieces of conversations if wameongea polepole sana. but either way, there was this song in swahili that i was singing with the rest of my group, and everyone in the class was impressed. but then they got to this verse that i totally forgot, and so i just stood there completely confused. for one reason or another, i just burst out laughing, and the whole thing fell apart. everyone in the room was laughing hysterically and most people didnt even know why. it was awesome. anyway, heres a picture:
all in all, this week felt kind of dry, like it was something to just get over with. lakini, Bwana asifiwe.
on monday night, i locked myself in a room and listened to music and danced for Jesus. that was really liberating. tuesday morning, i spent time on my knees, really aware of the fact that He was standing right in front of me, even though i couldnt see Him. i opened my hands, believing with everything in me that if He wanted to, He could literally touch me or drop something into them. it was a new feeling, i was at a loss for words when He stood in front of me. i realized that He is always present, its just a matter of how aware of this we are or not. this changes everything, really. because if the risen Jesus is walking around beside/inside of us, it must means that we must seize every opportunity and start living with purpose.
my mind was swarmed with thoughts of general self-condemnation and guilt this week, as i struggled to try and desire God above all else (money, security, comfort, etc). the topic of fasting keeps coming up, and everytime it comes to my mind i get a nauseous and guilty feeling, it doesnt feel like the Holy Spirit. i dont get a peace about it. but then again, ive never had a positive experience with it. i prayed with my friend patra about it and asked God what He wanted me to do about it, and He said to both of us "not yet". this week feels like ive been searching and striving a whole lot, with not much result.
generational sin came up a lot also, how the sins of our parents & their families are often passed down to us. that was interesting, because i found that it was more or less accurate. i struggle with a lot of the same things that my parents do. what to do with this information, im not sure. we just prayed that it would be cut off from my life.
one day while painting, i had this revelation about myself. i desire some sort of consistency of feeling in my life. like a constant joy, a constant freedom, a constant anything really. but this just cant happen with our emotions, because we live in a place that sucks where nothing remains the same. but the Christ in me doesnt change, so that says something.
here, i find it harder to be generous for several reasons. one, i dont want to perpetuate the idea of mzungu=money and create a dependency on either me or westerners. i want to empower the people, not enslave them anymore than they already are. so this means that i cant be driven by need, but by the Spirit. so, i must be more cautious when giving. another thing is that i have no idea how much i will need if i were to prolong my stay here or change one of my tickets back home. theres this vulnerability now that wasnt there before, because i have a limited supply of finances. so, i feel as though i must consult God before every time i spend, although it comes a lot more naturally when considering giving to someone else, because of my selfishness. this has been frustrating.
on the other hand, we have started to prepare skits & songs for our 3-week outreach that is coming up pretty soon. i have been picking up what seems to be a lot of swahili lately. i can understand bits and pieces of conversations if wameongea polepole sana. but either way, there was this song in swahili that i was singing with the rest of my group, and everyone in the class was impressed. but then they got to this verse that i totally forgot, and so i just stood there completely confused. for one reason or another, i just burst out laughing, and the whole thing fell apart. everyone in the room was laughing hysterically and most people didnt even know why. it was awesome. anyway, heres a picture:
all in all, this week felt kind of dry, like it was something to just get over with. lakini, Bwana asifiwe.
Monday, March 21, 2011
week six
this week, we had a speaker from south africa, her name was ruth. she spoke on brokenness, which was an interesting topic to be discussed in the context of african culture. she began the lectures by explaining what wholeness is, and that God desires the best for our lives. she explained that salvation isnt just something in regards to eternity, but it is God making us whole here and now. that really opened my eyes a lot, i never really understood before that God not only wants good things for me, but the best, and not only in my spiritual life, but in all of it. this was news to me.
she also spoke on forgiveness, which i realized i still needed to take care of regarding some people in my past. ive learned that forgiveness is a choice, and the feelings follow later (like most things). so i decided to make that choice.
on saturday, me & a few other girls went to a nearby girls boarding school called st. stephens. this school has been through a lot what with two robberies in the last few months. me & patra really shared our hearts with these girls, talking about our past experiences being healed by God's Love, which is real. i left there with a heaviness, like just one testimony & small group isnt going to leave a long-lasting impact on these girls lives. i wanted to do a follow up, to build real relationships and actually be a part of their life.
thats when i got this idea: a team of women who go to a school or church group, then do different sessions with the girls and cover topics like: how to respond to thieves, self defense, safety tips, sexual abuse counseling, trauma response, etc. covering the preparatory & post-trauma sides of it. here, the culture doesnt allow for girls to discuss anything regarding sex with their parents or anybody. nobody speaks up, and this means that there is a lot of shame and secrets circling around anything like this. it makes ministry in this area really difficult.
also, these three places have been on my heart a lot: gulu, uganda. the red light district in amsterdam, and kolkata, india. ive had ideas and visions circulating in my mind about backpacking to these places, or going straight there after the DTS. but i havent gotten a confirmation about any of them yet, nor do i have any idea how the finances would work out. but im choosing not to stress about it because my Papa made the stars, so im pretty sure He can handle the next few years of my life. these are places with hurting and broken people, places that i have been fascinated with for years, so i want to go there and see if God has anything long term for me there.
i love traveling, i love adventure. i love things that are new. but i also love building long term relationships and discipling people. i love the freedom to stay or go. i love not being stuck somewhere. who knows how all this will play out or when.
there are some differences i have noticed about the west and here. i remember when i was younger i would ask why God doesnt do miracles anymore, why He doesnt heal people or turn water into wine. at that point, id never been to africa. in the west, if you get sick, you go to a doctor and get medicine. if youre hungry, you go to heb or mcdonalds. if youre sad or hurting, you go to counselling. if youre mentally disturbed, you go to a psychiatrist. we are so self-dependent that it doesnt really leave room for a desperation for God to move. we dont really need God to do anything, so, since we dont ask, He doesnt (in my experience). here, that is not the case at all. you get sick, you pray. youre hungry, you pray. youre sad, you pray. youre mentally disturbed, someone prays for you. people here are familiar with miracles and healing. they are familiar with His willingness to act, not just His ability. in the west, we are so hesitant to rely on His willingness, on His goodness. here, if He isnt willing and if He isnt concerned, there are no other options. this desperation is a beautiful thing.
another thing is that everyone says that westerners are time/task-oriented and that africans are relationship-oriented. at first, i thought there wasnt a lot of truth in this, because i find that relating deeply to africans is actually quite difficult, but i see now what they mean. if someone stops you on the street and talks to you for 5 minutes, you are now officially friends. friendship here is a very wide thing, not a very deep thing. as opposed to the west, where a friend is someone youve shared your heart with and known for years. so, in that aspect, yes, africans are very-relationship oriented. its just that relationships look different here.
another thing that keeps coming up is my age. everytime someone asks and i tell them, without fail, they are surprised that i am so young. honestly, i dont feel my age. i feel like i have left my youth behind; that mindset of "i still have the rest of my life to do meaningful things, i may as well screw around for a few more years". i feel as though my future, my "ministry", if you like, is about to begin. i feel like i am moving forward, i have a sense of urgency about life, knowing that my days are numbered. like theres too much to do and not enough time, and ive only been here for 17 years. either way, its just weird.
oh and one more thing, me & elinor (one of the staff here) have been trying to come up with ways to continue the prostitution ministry in makutano that her & lora started. there is not much direction or resources yet, but we are just tossing around ideas and prayers about that.
this weekend, i talked to jacob, taylor, faith and some family. i have a deep love for the people back home. i want to be sharing life with them, but i know this is where God has called me, so i still know id rather be here than there.
im not taking enough pictures, sorry.
she also spoke on forgiveness, which i realized i still needed to take care of regarding some people in my past. ive learned that forgiveness is a choice, and the feelings follow later (like most things). so i decided to make that choice.
on saturday, me & a few other girls went to a nearby girls boarding school called st. stephens. this school has been through a lot what with two robberies in the last few months. me & patra really shared our hearts with these girls, talking about our past experiences being healed by God's Love, which is real. i left there with a heaviness, like just one testimony & small group isnt going to leave a long-lasting impact on these girls lives. i wanted to do a follow up, to build real relationships and actually be a part of their life.
thats when i got this idea: a team of women who go to a school or church group, then do different sessions with the girls and cover topics like: how to respond to thieves, self defense, safety tips, sexual abuse counseling, trauma response, etc. covering the preparatory & post-trauma sides of it. here, the culture doesnt allow for girls to discuss anything regarding sex with their parents or anybody. nobody speaks up, and this means that there is a lot of shame and secrets circling around anything like this. it makes ministry in this area really difficult.
also, these three places have been on my heart a lot: gulu, uganda. the red light district in amsterdam, and kolkata, india. ive had ideas and visions circulating in my mind about backpacking to these places, or going straight there after the DTS. but i havent gotten a confirmation about any of them yet, nor do i have any idea how the finances would work out. but im choosing not to stress about it because my Papa made the stars, so im pretty sure He can handle the next few years of my life. these are places with hurting and broken people, places that i have been fascinated with for years, so i want to go there and see if God has anything long term for me there.
i love traveling, i love adventure. i love things that are new. but i also love building long term relationships and discipling people. i love the freedom to stay or go. i love not being stuck somewhere. who knows how all this will play out or when.
there are some differences i have noticed about the west and here. i remember when i was younger i would ask why God doesnt do miracles anymore, why He doesnt heal people or turn water into wine. at that point, id never been to africa. in the west, if you get sick, you go to a doctor and get medicine. if youre hungry, you go to heb or mcdonalds. if youre sad or hurting, you go to counselling. if youre mentally disturbed, you go to a psychiatrist. we are so self-dependent that it doesnt really leave room for a desperation for God to move. we dont really need God to do anything, so, since we dont ask, He doesnt (in my experience). here, that is not the case at all. you get sick, you pray. youre hungry, you pray. youre sad, you pray. youre mentally disturbed, someone prays for you. people here are familiar with miracles and healing. they are familiar with His willingness to act, not just His ability. in the west, we are so hesitant to rely on His willingness, on His goodness. here, if He isnt willing and if He isnt concerned, there are no other options. this desperation is a beautiful thing.
another thing is that everyone says that westerners are time/task-oriented and that africans are relationship-oriented. at first, i thought there wasnt a lot of truth in this, because i find that relating deeply to africans is actually quite difficult, but i see now what they mean. if someone stops you on the street and talks to you for 5 minutes, you are now officially friends. friendship here is a very wide thing, not a very deep thing. as opposed to the west, where a friend is someone youve shared your heart with and known for years. so, in that aspect, yes, africans are very-relationship oriented. its just that relationships look different here.
another thing that keeps coming up is my age. everytime someone asks and i tell them, without fail, they are surprised that i am so young. honestly, i dont feel my age. i feel like i have left my youth behind; that mindset of "i still have the rest of my life to do meaningful things, i may as well screw around for a few more years". i feel as though my future, my "ministry", if you like, is about to begin. i feel like i am moving forward, i have a sense of urgency about life, knowing that my days are numbered. like theres too much to do and not enough time, and ive only been here for 17 years. either way, its just weird.
oh and one more thing, me & elinor (one of the staff here) have been trying to come up with ways to continue the prostitution ministry in makutano that her & lora started. there is not much direction or resources yet, but we are just tossing around ideas and prayers about that.
this weekend, i talked to jacob, taylor, faith and some family. i have a deep love for the people back home. i want to be sharing life with them, but i know this is where God has called me, so i still know id rather be here than there.
im not taking enough pictures, sorry.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
frederick buechner said,
"we are children perhaps at the very moment when we know that it is as children that God loves us- not because we have deserved His love and not in spite of our undeserving; not because we try and not because we recognize the futility of our trying; but simply because He has chosen to love us. we are children because He is our father, and all our efforts, fruitful and fruitless, to do good, to speak truth, to understand, are the efforts of children who, for all their precocity, are children still in that before we loved Him, He loved us, as children, through Jesus Christ our Lord."
Monday, March 14, 2011
week five, i think
so, this past week has been good, its been better.
first of all, we had classes again. the speaker taught about the character & nature of God. but still, i learned the most about Him and His nature not in a classroom, but in the stillness and in the unexpected moments of interacting with people.
He and i really wrestled over the topics of obedience and submission and sacrifice. He exposed a lot of depression and brokenness inside of me that i had been overlooking for years. He exposed to me that i put so much pressure on myself to do enough to be accepted by Him or please Him, while neglecting truly loving Him or seeking Him. thats not what He wants.
He spoke a few things through a few different people since ive been here. first of all, song of songs 2:10-12. also, that He is starting something new in my heart, that something new is blooming inside of me. also, that a river of joy will be flowing out of my heart. also, that He desires that i learn to enjoy Him and enjoy life. He doesnt want me to be miserable and lifeless. He desires that my life is abundant. He wants good things for me, and thats news to me. He loves me as i am, still broken. He accepts me as i am. also, He wants to rescue me from the depression that ive been friends with lately, but that means that i must lay down all that is familiar and comfortable to me, and start living a new way and think in new ways. He has told me that i am free from all of these things, but i need to walk boldly in this freedom. i need to take hold of it. He is starting a new thing, and its for the rest of my life. He is giving me new shoes to walk through this life with Him. i am excited about this, and i was hesitant to start, but today i decided that i no longer want to live without joy and freedom, and i am ready to start something new.
my quiet times have been silent, dry, unfocused sometimes. and other times theyve been times of refreshing and times of waiting. its been good, though. thats basically how ive been on the inside.
on the other hand, playing soccer has been a lot better lately. i scored twice. and the fields are so bumpy that i can hardly run for fear of breaking my ankles (again, thanks jacob). ive been able to keep up with the guys. i have been running more often, and thats been interesting.
also, this weekend was a ministry weekend. we went to an orphanage called springs of hope in machakos (which is a nearby town). that was nearly miserable. the kids werent very well cared-for, and it was really draining to be there. i spent time with the little babies, and got the chance to pray over them, which was nice. i also fed the little kids. it was pretty hilarious to shove rice into these kids mouths while their eyes were wide and staring at me, i swear they didnt even blink. i really feel for the mamas that work there, that must be a challenging job.
there was also a boy named dennis there who had what looked a lot like achardi syndrome. he reminded me of my sweet babygirl, caelan. the way that people are diagnosed and treated here is just so strange to me, because what i really mean is people arent diagnosed and treated. they are just "lame" and the only viable resources for healing is prayer or witchdoctors. it broke my heart to see this boy. but, i know theres hope for a future, in the next life. praise God for that hope, amen?
oh, and one of the students that was with us at this DTS had a psychotic break last week. he got kind of violent, and kept yelling and causing a lot of issues that the base wasnt qualified to handle. so, he was taken by the police to the mental ward in the hospital in machakos. we tried to visit him, but he wasn't in a good enough condition to see us. the only way you knew the difference between a patient and a visitor is that when someone walks in front of you, you see that their hands were tied behind their back with rope. that was interesting, for sure.
then on sunday, a group of us went to a small pentecostal church in makutano. i preached the bible study (which is like the pre-sermon). i spoke about the armor of God for about 20 minutes. i felt like i bored the people because they are used to screaming, sweating preachers and quiet little mouse-like me approaches the front, and i just felt the deep sigh from the people. it was okay though because my translator was quite pentecostal to say the least. he screamed everything i said, and so he received a lot of amen's, which was encouraging. the rest of the service was about 4 hours long, and both of the translators were yelling at the same time. that was interesting.
really hilarious because that word "interesting" is used so often during the day, especially between us westerners towards the kenyans. and vice verca. its polite, i suppose. its like, "so abby, how are you liking the ugali & cabbage every night for dinner?" "its...interesting." and "so consolota, how are you liking my music (the civil wars)?" "theyre..interesting." if you catch my drift.
this weeks classes are going to be good, i just know it. the speaker is a lady from wales named ruth, and we hit it off really well. she will be speaking on the topic of brokenness. im excited about that.
so, in summary, the Lord has really been speaking to me about accepting myself, accepting His love, saying yes to Him, and He is turning over a new leaf in my life that is full of joy and freedom. and i am looking forward to this.
guys, He answers prayers. and He is the most persistent thing ive ever experienced in the whole universe, besides maybe mosquitoes. which by the way have really been annoying at night. but He is just really lovely. and He wants a people full of life, covered in beauty, able to dance with Him. i wanna be part of these people.
penda.
first of all, we had classes again. the speaker taught about the character & nature of God. but still, i learned the most about Him and His nature not in a classroom, but in the stillness and in the unexpected moments of interacting with people.
He and i really wrestled over the topics of obedience and submission and sacrifice. He exposed a lot of depression and brokenness inside of me that i had been overlooking for years. He exposed to me that i put so much pressure on myself to do enough to be accepted by Him or please Him, while neglecting truly loving Him or seeking Him. thats not what He wants.
He spoke a few things through a few different people since ive been here. first of all, song of songs 2:10-12. also, that He is starting something new in my heart, that something new is blooming inside of me. also, that a river of joy will be flowing out of my heart. also, that He desires that i learn to enjoy Him and enjoy life. He doesnt want me to be miserable and lifeless. He desires that my life is abundant. He wants good things for me, and thats news to me. He loves me as i am, still broken. He accepts me as i am. also, He wants to rescue me from the depression that ive been friends with lately, but that means that i must lay down all that is familiar and comfortable to me, and start living a new way and think in new ways. He has told me that i am free from all of these things, but i need to walk boldly in this freedom. i need to take hold of it. He is starting a new thing, and its for the rest of my life. He is giving me new shoes to walk through this life with Him. i am excited about this, and i was hesitant to start, but today i decided that i no longer want to live without joy and freedom, and i am ready to start something new.
my quiet times have been silent, dry, unfocused sometimes. and other times theyve been times of refreshing and times of waiting. its been good, though. thats basically how ive been on the inside.
on the other hand, playing soccer has been a lot better lately. i scored twice. and the fields are so bumpy that i can hardly run for fear of breaking my ankles (again, thanks jacob). ive been able to keep up with the guys. i have been running more often, and thats been interesting.
also, this weekend was a ministry weekend. we went to an orphanage called springs of hope in machakos (which is a nearby town). that was nearly miserable. the kids werent very well cared-for, and it was really draining to be there. i spent time with the little babies, and got the chance to pray over them, which was nice. i also fed the little kids. it was pretty hilarious to shove rice into these kids mouths while their eyes were wide and staring at me, i swear they didnt even blink. i really feel for the mamas that work there, that must be a challenging job.
there was also a boy named dennis there who had what looked a lot like achardi syndrome. he reminded me of my sweet babygirl, caelan. the way that people are diagnosed and treated here is just so strange to me, because what i really mean is people arent diagnosed and treated. they are just "lame" and the only viable resources for healing is prayer or witchdoctors. it broke my heart to see this boy. but, i know theres hope for a future, in the next life. praise God for that hope, amen?
oh, and one of the students that was with us at this DTS had a psychotic break last week. he got kind of violent, and kept yelling and causing a lot of issues that the base wasnt qualified to handle. so, he was taken by the police to the mental ward in the hospital in machakos. we tried to visit him, but he wasn't in a good enough condition to see us. the only way you knew the difference between a patient and a visitor is that when someone walks in front of you, you see that their hands were tied behind their back with rope. that was interesting, for sure.
then on sunday, a group of us went to a small pentecostal church in makutano. i preached the bible study (which is like the pre-sermon). i spoke about the armor of God for about 20 minutes. i felt like i bored the people because they are used to screaming, sweating preachers and quiet little mouse-like me approaches the front, and i just felt the deep sigh from the people. it was okay though because my translator was quite pentecostal to say the least. he screamed everything i said, and so he received a lot of amen's, which was encouraging. the rest of the service was about 4 hours long, and both of the translators were yelling at the same time. that was interesting.
really hilarious because that word "interesting" is used so often during the day, especially between us westerners towards the kenyans. and vice verca. its polite, i suppose. its like, "so abby, how are you liking the ugali & cabbage every night for dinner?" "its...interesting." and "so consolota, how are you liking my music (the civil wars)?" "theyre..interesting." if you catch my drift.
this weeks classes are going to be good, i just know it. the speaker is a lady from wales named ruth, and we hit it off really well. she will be speaking on the topic of brokenness. im excited about that.
so, in summary, the Lord has really been speaking to me about accepting myself, accepting His love, saying yes to Him, and He is turning over a new leaf in my life that is full of joy and freedom. and i am looking forward to this.
guys, He answers prayers. and He is the most persistent thing ive ever experienced in the whole universe, besides maybe mosquitoes. which by the way have really been annoying at night. but He is just really lovely. and He wants a people full of life, covered in beauty, able to dance with Him. i wanna be part of these people.
penda.
Friday, March 4, 2011
week four
so, ive been here a month. which is hard to believe. it doesnt feel like that long, but at the same time, a day feels like a thousand years. figure that one out. here goes nothing.
first of all, 2 weekends ago i went to kibera! it was so great. i got to see festus & all the staff, as well as boaz and collins. it was so great. i went with my good friends, susan and patra. after the hour and a half it took to get there via matatu, we walked into the slum over the (new) bridge and were immediately greeted with "welcome home!" there was a sense of home there. patra mentioned that she forgot she was in the slum because of the joy and excitement of the people. its so true. my brother festus encouraged me so much and was very hospitable. i cant wait to go back.
the third week:
this week, the classes were about breaking ungodly altars & prayer/intercession. this week, i realized that i have been operating out of religion for so long. i have been depending on my own works and my own goodness, thinking that that is what makes me to have peace with Him. Christ slowly but surely started reminded me that this is not the case at all. so, i wrestled with and talked about and prayed about this all week long.
then, on friday,this happened. and long story short, since friday, i have been learning a lot about suffering. and paradoxes. and intercession. and loss.
i realized that they way that africans relate to pain and suffering is very different than westerners.
this week, we had a few classes on missions & evangelism, but for the most part, the base just took it easy. also, i became friends with a guy from holland. we laughed and talked and understood eachother, and that was definitely a blessing to have him around. he shed light on my geographical illiteracy and allegedly pushed me out of a chair, it was great. then, he left. so that was that. anyway, people from all over the continent came in to have debriefing meetings with the staff and things of that nature, so there wasn't much for the students to do. and that meant a lot of time with God.
first, i realized that we are really walking in a land of constant paradox. like God is just and merciful. life hurts, people die, and God is good. we are called to suffer, but with joy. we are already clean, but we are to be holy. i am to embrace my brokenness, and be made whole. i think the Cross might be the key paradox of it all. for instance, this morning God told me, "my Love is what holds you together and tears you apart, it is what purifies and sanctifies you. its the reason you are already clean. my Love is His blood." wow. enough said. the ultimate paradox, God's Love. these realities have been a real challenge to wrap my mind around. its been mentally strenuous, but good.
second, i am faced with many questions because of this incident. the one that affects me the most is this: what good is God's presence when people can be assaulted and killed in it? what happened to psalm 121:7- "The Lord will watch over your life; keep you from all harm."? i am faced with the reality that following Christ does not guarantee me physical safety by any means. in fact, quite the opposite. i am promised persecution. "Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted." (2 tim 3:12) i pray that one day, i will be able to rejoice and be content during that persecution like paul. thank God that He is a heart-changer.
third, something great happened. i experienced for the first time, the love of God as my Father. after a long conversation and prayer session with my brother tim, God put His arms around me and assured me that His Love was unconditional and didnt depend on my obedience or response or lack there of. when that happened, God touched me in a deep way and everything changed. the way i related to people and myself. and i realized thats all that matters.
i think back to being in a relationship where all i wanted to do was please the other person, to surprise them with acts of love. to make them smile; that was what gave me joy. and thats the way that serving God should be, out of the same heart-attitude of love. i pray for that more and more in my life and in my heart, because that will produce the obedience in me that both me and the Lord desire.
fourth, i am really struggling with depression. i am usually bummed whenever i wake up and i realize that i have another day to get through. when i think of the future, it seems ominous and daunting. something i want to avoid. but when this love, excitement, joy of God touched me, everything changed for a time. and i wanted to live, i had desire and passion again. im praying for more of that.
well, i think thats all basically. this week has gone by really slowly, but next week classes start up again and things will go back to normal, basically.
please keep my dear sister, lora in your prayers. and thank you all so much for the prayers that have gone up for me. God is faithful in answering them. He is holding me together. hallelujah for that.
penda.
first of all, 2 weekends ago i went to kibera! it was so great. i got to see festus & all the staff, as well as boaz and collins. it was so great. i went with my good friends, susan and patra. after the hour and a half it took to get there via matatu, we walked into the slum over the (new) bridge and were immediately greeted with "welcome home!" there was a sense of home there. patra mentioned that she forgot she was in the slum because of the joy and excitement of the people. its so true. my brother festus encouraged me so much and was very hospitable. i cant wait to go back.
the third week:
this week, the classes were about breaking ungodly altars & prayer/intercession. this week, i realized that i have been operating out of religion for so long. i have been depending on my own works and my own goodness, thinking that that is what makes me to have peace with Him. Christ slowly but surely started reminded me that this is not the case at all. so, i wrestled with and talked about and prayed about this all week long.
then, on friday,this happened. and long story short, since friday, i have been learning a lot about suffering. and paradoxes. and intercession. and loss.
i realized that they way that africans relate to pain and suffering is very different than westerners.
this week, we had a few classes on missions & evangelism, but for the most part, the base just took it easy. also, i became friends with a guy from holland. we laughed and talked and understood eachother, and that was definitely a blessing to have him around. he shed light on my geographical illiteracy and allegedly pushed me out of a chair, it was great. then, he left. so that was that. anyway, people from all over the continent came in to have debriefing meetings with the staff and things of that nature, so there wasn't much for the students to do. and that meant a lot of time with God.
first, i realized that we are really walking in a land of constant paradox. like God is just and merciful. life hurts, people die, and God is good. we are called to suffer, but with joy. we are already clean, but we are to be holy. i am to embrace my brokenness, and be made whole. i think the Cross might be the key paradox of it all. for instance, this morning God told me, "my Love is what holds you together and tears you apart, it is what purifies and sanctifies you. its the reason you are already clean. my Love is His blood." wow. enough said. the ultimate paradox, God's Love. these realities have been a real challenge to wrap my mind around. its been mentally strenuous, but good.
second, i am faced with many questions because of this incident. the one that affects me the most is this: what good is God's presence when people can be assaulted and killed in it? what happened to psalm 121:7- "The Lord will watch over your life; keep you from all harm."? i am faced with the reality that following Christ does not guarantee me physical safety by any means. in fact, quite the opposite. i am promised persecution. "Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted." (2 tim 3:12) i pray that one day, i will be able to rejoice and be content during that persecution like paul. thank God that He is a heart-changer.
third, something great happened. i experienced for the first time, the love of God as my Father. after a long conversation and prayer session with my brother tim, God put His arms around me and assured me that His Love was unconditional and didnt depend on my obedience or response or lack there of. when that happened, God touched me in a deep way and everything changed. the way i related to people and myself. and i realized thats all that matters.
i think back to being in a relationship where all i wanted to do was please the other person, to surprise them with acts of love. to make them smile; that was what gave me joy. and thats the way that serving God should be, out of the same heart-attitude of love. i pray for that more and more in my life and in my heart, because that will produce the obedience in me that both me and the Lord desire.
fourth, i am really struggling with depression. i am usually bummed whenever i wake up and i realize that i have another day to get through. when i think of the future, it seems ominous and daunting. something i want to avoid. but when this love, excitement, joy of God touched me, everything changed for a time. and i wanted to live, i had desire and passion again. im praying for more of that.
well, i think thats all basically. this week has gone by really slowly, but next week classes start up again and things will go back to normal, basically.
please keep my dear sister, lora in your prayers. and thank you all so much for the prayers that have gone up for me. God is faithful in answering them. He is holding me together. hallelujah for that.
penda.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
week two
essentially, things are looking up.
last weekend, i went to karin's house and relaxed with her and her family. i also used the wifi. it was a nice, quiet time. then on sunday, i went to a vineyard church and a java house in nairobi with other mzungus. that was really nice to be able to spend all day relating well to the people i was with. coming back to the base, i realized how much i like the people im with. i actually missed them. and even though we were only apart for 2 days, it was like a reunion when we all returned.
i was reminded of how God is faithful, and He answers prayers. He has most definitely been unifying us in our faith. even through our time apart.
then, on monday our speaker came. his name was ezekiel. he spoke on joshua 6:1-7. how the soldiers were told to march around Jericho for seven days in silence. they didnt see results. they didnt even see a crack. some of them probably thought what they were doing was useless, but then on the seventh day, it all happened at once. they claimed the land and victory was won. that message was for me. God told me to keep pressing on, not to lose heart, because He is faithful and results will come in due time.
anyway, that was the start of my week. it was good.
during the week, ezekiel discussed quiet times, hearing God's voice, praise & worship, and prayer & intercession.
ive learned a lot about my God and myself and my walk with Him.
the topic that really spoke to me the most was praise and worship. ezekiel said, "worship is a gift that we give to the Lord." its something completely selfless and meant to bless Him and move His heart. i never thought about it like that.
one morning, God told me through eph. 1 that the only reason i was chosen and adopted is for the praise of His glorious grace. honestly, that messed me up. i used to have this perception of God like prideful, arrogant, greedy. i openly admitted to Him that He has all right to be that way, obviously, but that if that is His character, im not sure i want to worship Him. i hate pride in myself & others, why would i want to see that in my God? now, i realize that me saying or thinking this at all was extremely bold and out of place and probably spoken out of pride in the first place, but i told Him anyway. He told ezekiel to tell me this: "abby, I am smiling on you. you are special. I'm not like that; I'll show you." God is secure, He can handle my doubt and my questions. i am doing my best to truly worship Him, even when i dont know Him all that well. i know that He is giving me grace, and loads of mercy. He loves me despite all that is inside of me. and He takes all of me, excluding nothing. that in itself deserves some worship. i know that He will show Himself as He really is if i continue seeking His true nature and character.
also, God has exposed a lot of other things inside of me that are/were hindering me from truly surrendering and praying in faith.
most of all, He is teaching me to sit in the incomplete-ness. i am not finished yet, but that is okay. He takes His time, but His time is always perfect and i know that. this sums it up so well. kendra sent it to me:
"Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way
to something unknown,
something new.
Yet it is the law of all progress that is made
by passing through some stages of instability
and that may take a very long time.
And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.
Let them shape themselves without undue haste.
Do not try to force them on
as though you could be today what time
-- that is to say, grace --
and circumstances
acting on your own good will
will make you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new Spirit
gradually forming in you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.
Above all, trust in the slow work of God,
our loving vine-dresser.
Amen."
so that is where i am right now, spiritually.
although all of the students are getting along a lot better this week, there are still some differences and difficulties.
the way that people worship is really different. it is very loud, very emotional. ive heard people speaking in tongues and wailing and screaming prayers. the way in which i worship is very quiet, so this has been pretty shocking. ive been struggling to concentrate during times of worship. its hard to focus in these situations.
also, conversations are still very surface level. but i have realized its because these people are taught not to feel very deeply, so its like their own feelings arent even available to be talked about. im not sure what to do- if anything- with that. just trying to relate to them on their own level.
basically, its all good.
penda.
last weekend, i went to karin's house and relaxed with her and her family. i also used the wifi. it was a nice, quiet time. then on sunday, i went to a vineyard church and a java house in nairobi with other mzungus. that was really nice to be able to spend all day relating well to the people i was with. coming back to the base, i realized how much i like the people im with. i actually missed them. and even though we were only apart for 2 days, it was like a reunion when we all returned.
i was reminded of how God is faithful, and He answers prayers. He has most definitely been unifying us in our faith. even through our time apart.
then, on monday our speaker came. his name was ezekiel. he spoke on joshua 6:1-7. how the soldiers were told to march around Jericho for seven days in silence. they didnt see results. they didnt even see a crack. some of them probably thought what they were doing was useless, but then on the seventh day, it all happened at once. they claimed the land and victory was won. that message was for me. God told me to keep pressing on, not to lose heart, because He is faithful and results will come in due time.
anyway, that was the start of my week. it was good.
during the week, ezekiel discussed quiet times, hearing God's voice, praise & worship, and prayer & intercession.
ive learned a lot about my God and myself and my walk with Him.
the topic that really spoke to me the most was praise and worship. ezekiel said, "worship is a gift that we give to the Lord." its something completely selfless and meant to bless Him and move His heart. i never thought about it like that.
one morning, God told me through eph. 1 that the only reason i was chosen and adopted is for the praise of His glorious grace. honestly, that messed me up. i used to have this perception of God like prideful, arrogant, greedy. i openly admitted to Him that He has all right to be that way, obviously, but that if that is His character, im not sure i want to worship Him. i hate pride in myself & others, why would i want to see that in my God? now, i realize that me saying or thinking this at all was extremely bold and out of place and probably spoken out of pride in the first place, but i told Him anyway. He told ezekiel to tell me this: "abby, I am smiling on you. you are special. I'm not like that; I'll show you." God is secure, He can handle my doubt and my questions. i am doing my best to truly worship Him, even when i dont know Him all that well. i know that He is giving me grace, and loads of mercy. He loves me despite all that is inside of me. and He takes all of me, excluding nothing. that in itself deserves some worship. i know that He will show Himself as He really is if i continue seeking His true nature and character.
also, God has exposed a lot of other things inside of me that are/were hindering me from truly surrendering and praying in faith.
most of all, He is teaching me to sit in the incomplete-ness. i am not finished yet, but that is okay. He takes His time, but His time is always perfect and i know that. this sums it up so well. kendra sent it to me:
"Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way
to something unknown,
something new.
Yet it is the law of all progress that is made
by passing through some stages of instability
and that may take a very long time.
And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.
Let them shape themselves without undue haste.
Do not try to force them on
as though you could be today what time
-- that is to say, grace --
and circumstances
acting on your own good will
will make you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new Spirit
gradually forming in you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.
Above all, trust in the slow work of God,
our loving vine-dresser.
Amen."
so that is where i am right now, spiritually.
although all of the students are getting along a lot better this week, there are still some differences and difficulties.
the way that people worship is really different. it is very loud, very emotional. ive heard people speaking in tongues and wailing and screaming prayers. the way in which i worship is very quiet, so this has been pretty shocking. ive been struggling to concentrate during times of worship. its hard to focus in these situations.
also, conversations are still very surface level. but i have realized its because these people are taught not to feel very deeply, so its like their own feelings arent even available to be talked about. im not sure what to do- if anything- with that. just trying to relate to them on their own level.
basically, its all good.
penda.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
week one
going to try to make this short and sweet, but that will be hard. bear with me.
my stuff:
so, the plane ride here. talked to a woman from india who was born hindu but encountered Christ and now follows Him. she was on her way to a Christian womens conference in New Delhi, i think. her story was encouraging and challenging. on the second ride, met a woman from alabama going to eldorat, which is a village in kenya. she was doing missions also. i had sinus problems, and i thought my eardrums were going to explode. but, the didnt. hallelujah. on the way, God wrote me this letter from isaiah 41-44:
"I took you from the ends of the earth, from its corners I called you. I said, "you are my servant, abby". I have chosen you, not rejected you. so don't fear, I am with you, dont be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen & help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. "I myself help you" says the Lord, the Holy One, the Redeemer. I will lead the blind by ways you dont know, along unfamiliar paths I will guide you. I will turn darkness into light before you and make the rough places smooth. these are things Ill do, I wont forsake them. I have summoned you by name, abby, you. are. Mine. since you are precious & honored in My sight, and because I love you, I will exchange nations for you. bring my daughters from the ends of the earth- everyone who is called by name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed & made. you are my witness and my servant whom I've chosen. I have revealed, saved, proclaimed. no one can deliver you out of My hand, abby. when I act, who can reverse it? forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. see? I am doing a new thing! now it springs up, do you see it? I am making a way in the wilderness, and streams in the wasteland, to give my people, my chosen, the people I formed for Myself that they may proclaim My praise. I will pour out My Spirit on you, you will say: "I belong to the Lord!" and youll write on your hands: "The Lord's".
Love, Papa "
talk about an affirmation of my call. God Himself wrote me a dang letter. sweet.
i got here, not knowing what to expect. the toilets are outhouses. the showers are a bucket and some water. there is no AC or heater. the kitchen is relatively small. there are dorms, and houses with families. the athi river base is basically a compound that serves many different purposes, DTS is just one of them. there is 70 acres, mostly bushbush. meaning, wildnerness. basically, dry grass and acacia trees and thornbushes and bugs. im told that in the morning there are giraffes and zebras, but im not buying it.
saturday & sunday i spent just getting used to the base and getting to know the staff & the other students. there are 21 students here. most of them kenyan, a nigerian, a guy from cameroon, another american (indiana), a jamaican (living in sweden). on staff there is kenyans, dutch people, swiss people, and a rwandan. by now, we all know eachother by name. and everytime someone passes, there is always a sincere "how are you?" or "habari yako?" all of the staff here has dedicated literally their whole lives to the Great Commission and to discipling us. thats challenging.
the usual days look like this: wake at 630. bfast at 7 (bread & tea). quiet time in the bushbush after bfast. worship or prayer or small group at 830. lecture at 10. tea break. more lecture. rest. lunch (rice & vegetables). rest. work duty (cleaning, cooking, chopping wood) from 2:30-4:30. showers/laundry. dinner at 6 (rice/ugali and vegetables/beans & fruit!) then, at 8 we usually have some sort of a meeting or worship or discussion. bed by 1030 usually. the mornings & nights are perfect, while the middle of the day is joto sana (real hot).
i took rosetta stone swahili last year, so i know basically a third of what they are saying, but speaking it is a different story. the africans are helping me with it though. they are quite patient, really. when they are speaking to each other, they speak swahili. but if there are mzungus around, they usually stick to english.
but, that doesnt mean we communicate very well. i must initiate most conversations, which is uncomfortable. and even then, 99% of my interactions with people in the past week have been surface level. thats been hard. i didnt know that the community i was in played such a huge role in my walk with Christ. its getting harder & harder to really invest in people and care about people as they days go by.
i have school work to do. reading the book of titus this week & taking notes. also, reading "is that really you God?" by loren cunningham (founder of YWAM) and a book report due in a month. in my quiet times, ive been reading isaiah and 2 peter though.
things are very, very different here. in some ways, i cant even put my finger on it. yes, its different to have to wash dishes and clothes by hand and pee in a hole in the ground and swat flies off of my head all day long, but that doesnt effect me very much. whats really been challenging for me is the way that they relate to God is different. the worship is full of shouting, dancing, jumping, etc. very charistmatic. the 2 big denominations here are pentecostal and catholic. i think that this kind of worship is pentecostal. they do sing some songs in english, like 'this is the air i breathe' and 'open the eyes of my heart'. chris tomlin hasnt made it big time over here yet. at the end of each song, they all pray loudly korean style. i have gotten more used to it, and ive met the Spirit a couple of times during worship.
the way they talk about God and pray to God is very expectant, like not only is He able, but He is also willing. within context. He is willing to do things for the sake of Christ.
now, as far as my time with God. its been a challenge. this kind of faith they have, the kind of undignified worship they have has really challenged me. the fact that He has called me here and i have been kinda miserable is really messing with my head. but i choose to believe He is good. im struggling to really have faith in that "exceedingly abundantly" part, though. sometimes He calls us to miserable things, but these things are supposed to be fulfilling, sindiyo? because we are fulfilling His purpose and His call. honestly, i dont feel fulfilled. but the Holy Spirit has been teaching me to be patient with myself and with Gods work in me and around me. "a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like a day to the Lord." yeah.
He showed me yesterday that if He is big enough to breathe out suns, if His hand is the size of the universe, then surely He can be trusted with my life.
sometimes i fall into thinking.."crap..what if God wants me here forever?" that overwhelms me, and i know i should take it one day at a time. but when i do get ahead of myself, the conclusion i come to is that it would be worth it. He has been teaching me to number my days, that a lifetime of suffering is nothing compared to eternal rejoicing. its definitely worth it, if God wants me to. i am just working off the faith that it will be a fulfilling work.
i dont know how to explain it really. but to sum it up, i think i am walking by faith, definitely not by sight. but that doesnt mean that i didnt wish i saw some results every now and then. but i am trying to be patient with that also.
i think i covered everything. sorry if i didnt. only 11 more weeks! then 8 more weeks! then maybe home...then maybe back for the rest of my life...sawa.
penda.
my email is abby51259@yahoo.com
ps, hopefully you can derive my prayer requests from this information..but if not:
-unity. that the blood of Christ would overpower the different cultures and languages and truly unite us. that we would be able to get out of our boxes and love eachother deeply, considering one anothers needs more important than our own.
-knowing God. for who He really is, not who i think He is. that my mind and heart would be expanded to let more and more of Him in. that i would be able to hear Him speaking in my quiet times and lectures, however simple they may be.
-equipped. that i would cling to the promise that the Holy Spirit would equip me for each day. i literally do not want to waste another day here. i want all of His eternal purposes to be fulfilled in my life.
please tell me how to pray for you.
my bed:
Thursday, January 20, 2011
concerning the benefit concert:
this is straight from my journal. not very well written, but thats okay.
i was dreading this benefit thing from the moment faith told me about it. crowds of people. all looking at me. wanting to talk to me. nightmare. the reason i dont like all the attention i am getting from this trip is because i dont trust myself with the spotlight. my pride is a deceitful and ugly thing. and i am trying to let the Spirit kill it, but it keeps sprouting out of my heart like a weed. i find myself thinking that i am the one who is doing good; that i am even capable of good on my own at all is a preposterous and blatant lie. but nonetheless, it happens. and i hate it. and i was afraid that pride would rise up in me what with all of the people telling me how great all that i am doing is. but prayer works.
i spent all day praying. praying that God would bind my pride, truly humble me. that i wouldnt be the one in the spotlight, but Him. and that i wouldnt get the glory or the credit, but Him. i prayed that He would give me a sound mind to care deeply about each person that composed the crowd that so often overwhelms me.
then, before it, all of the musicians and behindthestagers and me got together and prayed for humility and God-focus and Christ-centeredness.
hallelujah, He answered all of our prayers! the whole night was the bomb. i got to see old friends. the music was awesome! jake and tarah played this song he wrote, "the blasphemous song" and i teared up. landon and tarah played lazarus' house, which gets me everytime. taylor and landon rocked the civil wars song, per usual. jacob koehler performed & ROCKED come together! it was all incredible. jake played a smidge of worship and all my friends swarmed to the front with their hands raised for the few verses. God was in the spotlight, i was at His feet with the rest of my family. emily played her songs, all of which spoke to my heart. she even threw in a bonus, "your love is extravagant". needless to say, i was instantly on my face. carl played jesus paid it all, which was totally heavenly because i could hear the dang angels singing it with us. everyone prayed over me, and dusty prayed that 'we are more than conquerors' which really got in everyones head. i heard lots of sniffling and 'mhmm's. those are the best.
alyssa told me that she was pretty sure God was pleased with tonight and with me, and that is what blessed me most. thats all i had been asking for, and thats all that my heart really desires. and to hear those words with my own ears was so sweet and so special to me.
faith said that she had never been so sure that God had written something in His book before time began as she was about this. several people affirmed that to me. word.
i was humbled and reminded that He is the One that called me, i said 'yes'. the fact that He has called me to something so awesome has nothing to do with me; has everything to do with Him and His goodness and His grace. to me, this feels very simple and very natural. i talked to jacob about that a little bit. it just makes sense. if the God of the universe says to me, "go, do this." or "come here, follow Me." of course i am gonna say "alright, Papa."
it reminds me of this:
"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children." Romans 8:15-17 (MSG)
oh, and about the money. there was way more than anyone expected. God loves to do that, and i love it when He does. thank God that none of that is mine (its all His) and i dont have to worry about what to do with it, because He already has it all figured out.
"hey thanks" and shout out to:
faith, jake, parker & sam franklin, tarah hilton, landon & parker berryhill, taylor koch, taylor bartholomew, ben zuniga, carl harper!, dusty moore, emily ward & josh viveros, jacob koehler, natalie price, kassandra, aaaand every single person that came and/or supportedme the Lord!
penda.
i was dreading this benefit thing from the moment faith told me about it. crowds of people. all looking at me. wanting to talk to me. nightmare. the reason i dont like all the attention i am getting from this trip is because i dont trust myself with the spotlight. my pride is a deceitful and ugly thing. and i am trying to let the Spirit kill it, but it keeps sprouting out of my heart like a weed. i find myself thinking that i am the one who is doing good; that i am even capable of good on my own at all is a preposterous and blatant lie. but nonetheless, it happens. and i hate it. and i was afraid that pride would rise up in me what with all of the people telling me how great all that i am doing is. but prayer works.
i spent all day praying. praying that God would bind my pride, truly humble me. that i wouldnt be the one in the spotlight, but Him. and that i wouldnt get the glory or the credit, but Him. i prayed that He would give me a sound mind to care deeply about each person that composed the crowd that so often overwhelms me.
then, before it, all of the musicians and behindthestagers and me got together and prayed for humility and God-focus and Christ-centeredness.
hallelujah, He answered all of our prayers! the whole night was the bomb. i got to see old friends. the music was awesome! jake and tarah played this song he wrote, "the blasphemous song" and i teared up. landon and tarah played lazarus' house, which gets me everytime. taylor and landon rocked the civil wars song, per usual. jacob koehler performed & ROCKED come together! it was all incredible. jake played a smidge of worship and all my friends swarmed to the front with their hands raised for the few verses. God was in the spotlight, i was at His feet with the rest of my family. emily played her songs, all of which spoke to my heart. she even threw in a bonus, "your love is extravagant". needless to say, i was instantly on my face. carl played jesus paid it all, which was totally heavenly because i could hear the dang angels singing it with us. everyone prayed over me, and dusty prayed that 'we are more than conquerors' which really got in everyones head. i heard lots of sniffling and 'mhmm's. those are the best.
alyssa told me that she was pretty sure God was pleased with tonight and with me, and that is what blessed me most. thats all i had been asking for, and thats all that my heart really desires. and to hear those words with my own ears was so sweet and so special to me.
faith said that she had never been so sure that God had written something in His book before time began as she was about this. several people affirmed that to me. word.
i was humbled and reminded that He is the One that called me, i said 'yes'. the fact that He has called me to something so awesome has nothing to do with me; has everything to do with Him and His goodness and His grace. to me, this feels very simple and very natural. i talked to jacob about that a little bit. it just makes sense. if the God of the universe says to me, "go, do this." or "come here, follow Me." of course i am gonna say "alright, Papa."
it reminds me of this:
"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children." Romans 8:15-17 (MSG)
oh, and about the money. there was way more than anyone expected. God loves to do that, and i love it when He does. thank God that none of that is mine (its all His) and i dont have to worry about what to do with it, because He already has it all figured out.
"hey thanks" and shout out to:
faith, jake, parker & sam franklin, tarah hilton, landon & parker berryhill, taylor koch, taylor bartholomew, ben zuniga, carl harper!, dusty moore, emily ward & josh viveros, jacob koehler, natalie price, kassandra, aaaand every single person that came and/or supported
penda.
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