i was dreading this benefit thing from the moment faith told me about it. crowds of people. all looking at me. wanting to talk to me. nightmare. the reason i dont like all the attention i am getting from this trip is because i dont trust myself with the spotlight. my pride is a deceitful and ugly thing. and i am trying to let the Spirit kill it, but it keeps sprouting out of my heart like a weed. i find myself thinking that i am the one who is doing good; that i am even capable of good on my own at all is a preposterous and blatant lie. but nonetheless, it happens. and i hate it. and i was afraid that pride would rise up in me what with all of the people telling me how great all that i am doing is. but prayer works.
i spent all day praying. praying that God would bind my pride, truly humble me. that i wouldnt be the one in the spotlight, but Him. and that i wouldnt get the glory or the credit, but Him. i prayed that He would give me a sound mind to care deeply about each person that composed the crowd that so often overwhelms me.
then, before it, all of the musicians and behindthestagers and me got together and prayed for humility and God-focus and Christ-centeredness.
hallelujah, He answered all of our prayers! the whole night was the bomb. i got to see old friends. the music was awesome! jake and tarah played this song he wrote, "the blasphemous song" and i teared up. landon and tarah played lazarus' house, which gets me everytime. taylor and landon rocked the civil wars song, per usual. jacob koehler performed & ROCKED come together! it was all incredible. jake played a smidge of worship and all my friends swarmed to the front with their hands raised for the few verses. God was in the spotlight, i was at His feet with the rest of my family. emily played her songs, all of which spoke to my heart. she even threw in a bonus, "your love is extravagant". needless to say, i was instantly on my face. carl played jesus paid it all, which was totally heavenly because i could hear the dang angels singing it with us. everyone prayed over me, and dusty prayed that 'we are more than conquerors' which really got in everyones head. i heard lots of sniffling and 'mhmm's. those are the best.
alyssa told me that she was pretty sure God was pleased with tonight and with me, and that is what blessed me most. thats all i had been asking for, and thats all that my heart really desires. and to hear those words with my own ears was so sweet and so special to me.
faith said that she had never been so sure that God had written something in His book before time began as she was about this. several people affirmed that to me. word.
i was humbled and reminded that He is the One that called me, i said 'yes'. the fact that He has called me to something so awesome has nothing to do with me; has everything to do with Him and His goodness and His grace. to me, this feels very simple and very natural. i talked to jacob about that a little bit. it just makes sense. if the God of the universe says to me, "go, do this." or "come here, follow Me." of course i am gonna say "alright, Papa."
it reminds me of this:
"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children." Romans 8:15-17 (MSG)
oh, and about the money. there was way more than anyone expected. God loves to do that, and i love it when He does. thank God that none of that is mine (its all His) and i dont have to worry about what to do with it, because He already has it all figured out.
"hey thanks" and shout out to:
faith, jake, parker & sam franklin, tarah hilton, landon & parker berryhill, taylor koch, taylor bartholomew, ben zuniga, carl harper!, dusty moore, emily ward & josh viveros, jacob koehler, natalie price, kassandra, aaaand every single person that came and/or supported
penda.
