on monday night, i locked myself in a room and listened to music and danced for Jesus. that was really liberating. tuesday morning, i spent time on my knees, really aware of the fact that He was standing right in front of me, even though i couldnt see Him. i opened my hands, believing with everything in me that if He wanted to, He could literally touch me or drop something into them. it was a new feeling, i was at a loss for words when He stood in front of me. i realized that He is always present, its just a matter of how aware of this we are or not. this changes everything, really. because if the risen Jesus is walking around beside/inside of us, it must means that we must seize every opportunity and start living with purpose.
my mind was swarmed with thoughts of general self-condemnation and guilt this week, as i struggled to try and desire God above all else (money, security, comfort, etc). the topic of fasting keeps coming up, and everytime it comes to my mind i get a nauseous and guilty feeling, it doesnt feel like the Holy Spirit. i dont get a peace about it. but then again, ive never had a positive experience with it. i prayed with my friend patra about it and asked God what He wanted me to do about it, and He said to both of us "not yet". this week feels like ive been searching and striving a whole lot, with not much result.
generational sin came up a lot also, how the sins of our parents & their families are often passed down to us. that was interesting, because i found that it was more or less accurate. i struggle with a lot of the same things that my parents do. what to do with this information, im not sure. we just prayed that it would be cut off from my life.
one day while painting, i had this revelation about myself. i desire some sort of consistency of feeling in my life. like a constant joy, a constant freedom, a constant anything really. but this just cant happen with our emotions, because we live in a place that sucks where nothing remains the same. but the Christ in me doesnt change, so that says something.
here, i find it harder to be generous for several reasons. one, i dont want to perpetuate the idea of mzungu=money and create a dependency on either me or westerners. i want to empower the people, not enslave them anymore than they already are. so this means that i cant be driven by need, but by the Spirit. so, i must be more cautious when giving. another thing is that i have no idea how much i will need if i were to prolong my stay here or change one of my tickets back home. theres this vulnerability now that wasnt there before, because i have a limited supply of finances. so, i feel as though i must consult God before every time i spend, although it comes a lot more naturally when considering giving to someone else, because of my selfishness. this has been frustrating.
on the other hand, we have started to prepare skits & songs for our 3-week outreach that is coming up pretty soon. i have been picking up what seems to be a lot of swahili lately. i can understand bits and pieces of conversations if wameongea polepole sana. but either way, there was this song in swahili that i was singing with the rest of my group, and everyone in the class was impressed. but then they got to this verse that i totally forgot, and so i just stood there completely confused. for one reason or another, i just burst out laughing, and the whole thing fell apart. everyone in the room was laughing hysterically and most people didnt even know why. it was awesome. anyway, heres a picture:
all in all, this week felt kind of dry, like it was something to just get over with. lakini, Bwana asifiwe.
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