week five, i think

so, this past week has been good, its been better.
first of all, we had classes again. the speaker taught about the character & nature of God. but still, i learned the most about Him and His nature not in a classroom, but in the stillness and in the unexpected moments of interacting with people.

He and i really wrestled over the topics of obedience and submission and sacrifice. He exposed a lot of depression and brokenness inside of me that i had been overlooking for years. He exposed to me that i put so much pressure on myself to do enough to be accepted by Him or please Him, while neglecting truly loving Him or seeking Him. thats not what He wants.

He spoke a few things through a few different people since ive been here. first of all, song of songs 2:10-12. also, that He is starting something new in my heart, that something new is blooming inside of me. also, that a river of joy will be flowing out of my heart. also, that He desires that i learn to enjoy Him and enjoy life. He doesnt want me to be miserable and lifeless. He desires that my life is abundant. He wants good things for me, and thats news to me. He loves me as i am, still broken. He accepts me as i am. also, He wants to rescue me from the depression that ive been friends with lately, but that means that i must lay down all that is familiar and comfortable to me, and start living a new way and think in new ways. He has told me that i am free from all of these things, but i need to walk boldly in this freedom. i need to take hold of it. He is starting a new thing, and its for the rest of my life. He is giving me new shoes to walk through this life with Him. i am excited about this, and i was hesitant to start, but today i decided that i no longer want to live without joy and freedom, and i am ready to start something new.
my quiet times have been silent, dry, unfocused sometimes. and other times theyve been times of refreshing and times of waiting. its been good, though. thats basically how ive been on the inside.

on the other hand, playing soccer has been a lot better lately. i scored twice. and the fields are so bumpy that i can hardly run for fear of breaking my ankles (again, thanks jacob). ive been able to keep up with the guys. i have been running more often, and thats been interesting.
also, this weekend was a ministry weekend. we went to an orphanage called springs of hope in machakos (which is a nearby town). that was nearly miserable. the kids werent very well cared-for, and it was really draining to be there. i spent time with the little babies, and got the chance to pray over them, which was nice. i also fed the little kids. it was pretty hilarious to shove rice into these kids mouths while their eyes were wide and staring at me, i swear they didnt even blink. i really feel for the mamas that work there, that must be a challenging job.
there was also a boy named dennis there who had what looked a lot like achardi syndrome. he reminded me of my sweet babygirl, caelan. the way that people are diagnosed and treated here is just so strange to me, because what i really mean is people arent diagnosed and treated. they are just "lame" and the only viable resources for healing is prayer or witchdoctors. it broke my heart to see this boy. but, i know theres hope for a future, in the next life. praise God for that hope, amen?

oh, and one of the students that was with us at this DTS had a psychotic break last week. he got kind of violent, and kept yelling and causing a lot of issues that the base wasnt qualified to handle. so, he was taken by the police to the mental ward in the hospital in machakos. we tried to visit him, but he wasn't in a good enough condition to see us. the only way you knew the difference between a patient and a visitor is that when someone walks in front of you, you see that their hands were tied behind their back with rope. that was interesting, for sure.

then on sunday, a group of us went to a small pentecostal church in makutano. i preached the bible study (which is like the pre-sermon). i spoke about the armor of God for about 20 minutes. i felt like i bored the people because they are used to screaming, sweating preachers and quiet little mouse-like me approaches the front, and i just felt the deep sigh from the people. it was okay though because my translator was quite pentecostal to say the least. he screamed everything i said, and so he received a lot of amen's, which was encouraging. the rest of the service was about 4 hours long, and both of the translators were yelling at the same time. that was interesting.

really hilarious because that word "interesting" is used so often during the day, especially between us westerners towards the kenyans. and vice verca. its polite, i suppose. its like, "so abby, how are you liking the ugali & cabbage every night for dinner?" "its...interesting." and "so consolota, how are you liking my music (the civil wars)?" "theyre..interesting." if you catch my drift.

this weeks classes are going to be good, i just know it. the speaker is a lady from wales named ruth, and we hit it off really well. she will be speaking on the topic of brokenness. im excited about that.

so, in summary, the Lord has really been speaking to me about accepting myself, accepting His love, saying yes to Him, and He is turning over a new leaf in my life that is full of joy and freedom. and i am looking forward to this.

guys, He answers prayers. and He is the most persistent thing ive ever experienced in the whole universe, besides maybe mosquitoes. which by the way have really been annoying at night. but He is just really lovely. and He wants a people full of life, covered in beauty, able to dance with Him. i wanna be part of these people.

penda.