it's worth it.

i'm reading Phillip Yancey's, "The Jesus I Never Knew" and he is talking about the sermon on the mount, specifically the beatitudes. everything about Jesus' teaching here is so backwards from the world, the exact opposite of what we are taught and what we know.
the world says, "blessed are the strong. blessed are the financially secure, for they dont have to worry. blessed are the safe, for they can lie down in peace. blessed are the ones with easy lives. blessed are those who hunger and thirst for a good time, and look out for number one." this is what our society tells us- and not just in the West, but everywhere in the world.
but Jesus says the total opposite. "blessed are the bombed-out and homeless. blessed are those who lose their loved ones, for they'll be comforted. blessed are those who are at the end of their rope..blessed are the emotionally unstable.. blessed are the persecuted where death is a constant reality." do you see how polar opposite this is?
i used to idealize missionary life. i used to really desire to live a life of poverty. in my mind, it was glamorous. i think i understood that it probably wasn't easy, but i did equate a poor missionary life with the pictures i got in my worldvision newsletters of smiling white girls holding black babies. that was what i wanted. that's what i expected.
but then, i went to kenya last year. within the first few weeks, all my expectations were crushed. i realized how long it took to wash your hair in a bucket and how unpleasant cold showers were. i realized how much i hated bread and milk tea for breakfast. i realized how annoying it was to be greeted by huge arachnids in the toilet when you went to pee first thing in the morning...how hard it was to be away from family..how isolated you feel when everyone around you is speaking a language you don't understand. but more than all that, i realized what it was like to be surrounded by true poverty every single day- not knowing how to respond. with every face you see, every story you hear..you want to fix it all, but you feel powerless over the oppression. and by choosing to live in such an environment, you choose to live under the hovering weight of the oppression of poverty, just like everyone else around you has done all their lives. after talking to some missionaries who had lived on the base for a while, i realized what it was like for them to invest so much time, prayer, energy, money into girls who were prostitutes on the street- only to be deceived in the end. as the girls went back to the street seemingly unchanged, i realized the intense disappointment these missionaries felt.
one time i asked her, "is it worth it? to be here as a missionary?" "it's worth it because i know God told me to. it's my only option."
phillip yancey writes about the slaves who used to live in america and write hymns rejoicing about heaven, "rather, they endured certain hardships with the prospect of other rewards in mind. they served God, trusting in turn that God would make it worth their while- if not here, then in eternity."
i guess i used to live under the impression that God would make missionary life worth it here and now. that the ministry.. or the closeness you'd feel with God..or some constant overwhelming joy would make it worthwhile. but now, i stumble across matthew 5:12 and it makes a lot more sense to me. "rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great." i see now that He alone is what makes it worth it. we aren't compensated for our suffering for Christ with better circumstances, emotional health, or more money. in fact, we aren't compensated in this life at all, except the hope we have for eternity. we are compensated with the rewards given to us by God Himself, after all is said and done in this life.
the Scripture, "you can't please God without believing He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him" also makes more sense to me. i hope that down the road, when someone sees my life, they will be forced to ask the question, "is it really worth it?" and i hope that in full faith that my answer will be a resounding "yes". i can see how that puts a big smile on God's face, because that "yes" signifies a deep trust in His goodness and faithfulness.
i ask God to give me the grace and strength to live a life that doesn't seem worth it unless there's Someone or Something after this. and i ask that He would give me the faith i need in that Someone to know that it really is worth it.

forgiveness, oppression, love, and the like.

yesterday, i watched a movie called 'tears of the sun' about the war in nigeria. rebels would raid and destroy every village they came across and mutilate everyone in sight. the evil people are capable of is terrifying and shocking. but the more jackie & i talked about it, the more we realized that same evil lies underneath the surface of all humanity, just waiting to be awakened. think about how easily hitler gathered so many people to do such horrendous things, or the way a war can completely change thousands of people. it's just our first nature, really. as i was watching this movie, i just kept thinking over and over, "His forgiveness runs so deep". He sees clearly in each of us the evil we are capable of...yet He loves us, and offers forgiveness for mutilating eachother, for rape, for oppression. that's just unreal.
i've been reading through isaiah lately. God is talking about how much injustice and oppression of the poor infuriates Him, and how He's going to destroy all evil and entire people groups and so on. i used to read those kinds of things from the old testament and just think, "well that's a little harsh, don't you think?". i used to think God was over reacting. but, lately, my eyes have been opened a little more to how disgusting evil really is. the oppression of the poor stares me in the face everyday here, and i'm starting to hate it the way God does. people going hungry, going without education. parents dying of AIDS because of lack of healthcare or education...it's all very real here. and it's not only uganda, it's most of Africa. the poverty isn't a result of the lack of resources, it's a result of corruption and oppression. and we only see from a distance the outward expression of this evil. God sees intimately and fully all that man is capable of, and all that lies within his heart. i would be pretty upset if i were Him, too. especially when you consider all the hopes He had for us from the beginning, all He intended for us to be. we fall so, so short.
i'm also seeing another side of God i've never seen before. i'm seeing more of His father heart. it pains Him to be against His own children, to have to discipline them so harshly. He is so straightforward with them and honest with them, though. He explicitly tells them, "don't do this. it's stupid and you'll get hurt". they blatantly rebel against Him, though. they refuse to listen to Him, they ask Him to shut up. and in the midst of all of it, He's like a Father who is looking forward to the day His son will come home and all will be made right again. interspersed throughout the prophesies against the nations are glimpses of hope, when we will be completely reconciled and we will know Him for who He truly is.
i've also been realizing that one of the huge reasons the israelites are so disobedient and refuse to listen is because they just dont understand who He is at all. when He offers them rest and safety and security, it's like they are totally oblivious to what that means. when He is so gentle with them, so gracious to them and so faithful to His own promises...who can resist a God like that? who can resist love like that? they must not have realized what they were being offered. in the same way i don't fully realize it. i dont fully trust in God's goodness or provision, otherwise, wouldnt i be more generous? i dont trust in His steadfast love for me, otherwise wouldnt i be more open, honest, vulnerable with Him? deep inside of me, i know that He is so much better and so different than who i perceive Him to be.
"your task here is to know that the Father loves you." God seems to keep bringing this up again and again. and i am well aware of the longings in my soul for this love.
as i was praying today, i was asking God to make His love real to me. after begging Him for a few minutes, i shut up and tried to listen. "read your journal a year ago". i did, and i realized it was a year ago today that i had my first and only "abba experience" with tim. my soul realized for the first time ever that He really is my father and He really does love me unconditionally, not for what i do, but just because He does. a year ago today, He took me up in His arms and spoke worth over me. He "invaded my heart with love". a year ago, He told me that He remembers the needs of kids. when i asked, "are you sure?", the response was a resounding "yes" as He drew me up into His arms.
a year ago today, i wrote: "my soul will be awakened by the loving Father. i will accept my own brokenness, not running from it or hiding it or trying to fix it anymore. i wont need to apologize, just be loved. i dont need to concentrate on what i should be and ignoring what i am. the future won't be ominous anymore."
and i keep coming back to this Truth: that i can only give to the extent that i receive. i can't love people with a love that comes from me. i am incapable of mustering up any kind of patience or selflessness on my own. it all comes from Him. but what if i close my heart to this Love? what then, do i have to offer anyone else? i can't love without being loved. so, this task of mine to know His love isn't something selfish or self-centered. it's the beginning to obeying the rest of His commandment: love others. it's actually the only way that this commandment can be obeyed at all. it all starts here, and i think miss that part all too often, and try to skip to the latter. "ok, i will muster up the patience with so and so today" instead of "God, you are so patient with me today." it's out of this place that we grow a heart of love for other people. that's the Truth i'm realizing.

mutai outreach

so, i just got back from outreach with the evangelism team. we were gone from wednesday to sunday. there were 7 of us that went to a nearby village called mutai. we stayed with a pastor and during the day, we would do door to door evangelism and in the evening we did school ministry.
outreach is always a challenge for me, but first: the highlights.
there was a man that came everyday to the house that we were staying at to eat. he had no shoes, and his hands and feet looked like they were just falling apart. his skin was full of jiggers- which are bugs that crawl into your skin and lay eggs. about 6 years ago, he got malaria and it went to his brain, and now he is mentally disabled. his whole family died of AIDS except his brother, who has been busy going to university in town and hasn't been taking care of him or his illnesses. he came to the pastors house 3 times a day to get food and smiled the whole time we saw him. we were all moved with compassion for him, so we got medicine to get rid of the jiggers, we got pesticide for his house and a new mattress for him. we were able to bathe him and give him new clothes. he was so, so happy. as we were caring for him, i was just moved to tears by how much God cares for the neglected, for the sick.
there was one particular moment that will remain in my mind forever. pastor was teaching him how to wash his hands, and he started doing it on his own. it was such a special picture of the way God cares for us by teaching us to care for ourselves, by gentling leading us hand in hand. God has not forgotten this man, even though literally the rest of the world had. God has not given up- and this man is so important to Him that He called us from all different parts the world to come clean his house. that touched my heart.
another highlight was whenever we were going for door to door, we ran across a man named grace (?) who was a drunkard. he "used to be" a Christian and then started drinking, and now he doesn't know what to do. here, just like all around the world, religion is preached all too often. this idea that you have to get yourself together or fix your behavior before you can come to God. that you have to be good enough before He will pay you any attention. it blessed my heart to be able to share the true Gospel with him- that he has it backwards! first, we come to Christ with all the crap in our lives, we come to Him as we are, and we do our best to obey Him and love Him, and the more we give Him our lives, the more He changes our behavior. i saw hope come back into his eyes, for the first time probably in years. and in that moment i was so thankful that the Gospel is what it is- that the Truth is so good, that the Truth gives hope. i was able to share with him about the freedom that ive seen Jesus give to people im very close to, and i was able to believe on his behalf that God is able to give it to him, too.
also, while we were playing music one night at the pastors house after we got back from ministry, a teenage girl named elizabeth came to our compound. she said she heard we were telling people the Gospel, and she wanted to be saved. i was so moved by her readiness, excitement, hunger for salvation. i was so moved by the fact that it was as simple as believing in Jesus- that that really is it. i loved the smile on her face right after we prayed- knowing that she was my sister who i would spend all of eternity with even if we dont speak the same language here.
but there were also many challenges.
im not sure how to explain it, especially without sounding arrogant or like i have it right. so, before i say anything, i ask for grace ahead of time as you read it.
in alot of ways, it seems like the Church here is young, for lack of better words. as in, the teaching is oftentimes questionable as to how biblical it is. it's also very simple. which has negative and positive aspects. positive, we all need to be constantly reminded of the basics. have faith in God, believe what He says, love your neighbor. i once heard my pastor say "people sometimes get frustrated why we teach the Gospel so much and dont move onto deeper things, but until you learn how to love your neighbor and believe you are forgiven, how do you expect to move onto the deeper things?" so that is the foundation we need. but negatively, with the same teachings over and over again, there isn't as much growth as there could be. i think there are a lot of factors that contribute to this stagnancy, if you will. one, a lot of people don't own a bible because it's too expensive or they don't know how to read. second, the ones that do own a bible don't always know how to study it properly. we need people to equip the pastors to equip all of the saints. it's time for the whole body to grow up into Christ (ephesians 4 is the word i got about this). being a part of a Church that is just growing has put paul's letters in a new perspective. i see now what he means about a lot of stuff that i never really understood before. be united, quit arguing about stupid stuff, help the poor people, share things, etc.
so, the challenge for me is hearing teaching that i find questionable and not really knowing what to do- if anything- about it. im a young white girl, what place do i have talking to the pastor about it?
i long to see support and training for the pastors. i long to see them understanding the Word, understanding God's character and understanding what their role is in the community. i long to see the members of churches understanding what it means to be a part of a Body, to grow in their relationship with Christ, to know Him personally and intimately. i long to see them embracing their giftings and walking confidently in them. i long to see them sharing what they have and supporting one another, discipling eachother. i long to see the whole Body growing up, but im not sure what my role is in this process. that's the frustrating part.
so...that was mostly my outreach. it's good to be back here now.

i never know what to title these things

so, ive been here for about a week now.

heres what i do during the day: read my Bible, pray, cook lunch & sometimes dinner, exercise, paint a room on the base, sometimes work on my personal art.

things around here have been somewhat chaotic because tim got malaria last week, and jackie has been really busy with him and all of her other responsibilities. so ive just been trying to be a blessing and help her take care of things. im glad ive been able to come help at all- they are quite tired.

Gods been teaching me to be more disciplined in prayer. i realized whenever i got here that i only pray for like 5 minutes a day. ive been reading in some of CS Lewis' essays about how prayer is a form of work because it produces a result in the same way that physical action does. for instance, the doctors work and physically do surgery, and people pray and God works through that. although i dont quite understand all of the inner workings, i do know that its something God wants me to do. so ive been doing that, and its been challenging but good. its really hard to sit down and focus, and its even harder to realize who it is im talking to most of the time.

prayer sometimes can be so automatic and shallow, because ive learned all the right phrases. but to really sit, to be silent for a bit and let your heart be moved about whatever or whoever you are talking about- that is real prayer. it takes time, and energy. but its worth it. God rewards those who pray. i have to keep remembering that.

ive also been learning about how the unity of the Church is more important to Jesus than almost anything else- which is really worth remembering in this cross-cultural setting. here there are ugandans, rwandans, tongans, british, swiss, german...and we all sing different songs and prefer different preachers and interpret scripture differently, but its key to remember that we are One in Christ. i know that in my head, but it hasnt necessarily reached my heart yet. although i hope it does soon.

"Paul was devoted to the Person of Jesus, not to a cause." thats been a huge deal in my life. ive always wanted to be mother teresa, to serve the poor, to essentially be a humanitarian. but im realizing Christians arent called foremost to be humanitarians- but to belong wholly to Christ. thats been a hard realization to come to.. but a relieving one. because i realize that i cant carry out anything good or worthwhile on my own, and even if i could..it wouldnt count for anything when He comes back, so it doesnt matter anyway. all things center on and revolve around and point to Christ Himself.

we spend so much time talking about God and reading about God, etc. that we forget that He actually exists. that He actually hears us, that He has feelings and is doing things and thinking things. atleast i forget that very often, and oftentimes it takes a few minutes looking at the sky to remind me that im really not alone, that He is real even if i cant see Him. and that i should think more about what i say to Him and about Him..hah. but seriously.

i also listened to the latest sermon from stone, and that was really convicting. idolatry is whenever our heart values anything more than God Himself. i am an idolater. everyday, i pursue things i think will satisfy me more than Him. i chase after those things with all i have. and ill either spend my whole life chasing, or ill actually get it and dive into an even deeper despair because i realize that it really doesnt satisfy. because the reality is that it wont, because God put eternal desires only for Him in my heart. so He, inevitably, is the only One that will satisfy them. whether i believe it or not, its true. that hit hard, because i also realized that Jesus doesnt come and destroy my idols for me, but He shows me what they are and asks me to do it myself, with His help- through continual repentance. its a daily struggle.

another thing i realized...i think too much. i can stress over my own spiritual growth so much, when really its in Gods hands. so i should just focus on the simple things that i know: love God, love people. and leave the rest to Him. amen.
so those are a few things ive learned.. im praying for everyone back home! and missing home a lot, actually. which is a good thing. i still dont know whats next, but He'll let me know when He wants me to know.

today, i went to a nearby prison to teach the women there with a few other people from the YWAM evangelism team here. that was really nice, i enjoyed it a lot. i think ill be doing more of that, as well as more painting around the base.
love yall.

arriving in uganda.

so, ive been meaning to write on here for quite some time now, i just havent done it. and i cant come up with any good excuses. recently, i had a conversation with a guy who asked why i wasnt blogging. he said was a gift, a blessing to him. and that convinced me that i should start again. so, here goes it.

i really struggled with the decision to come to uganda. in the first week of december, i had a conversation with my old pastor who now lives near entebbe. we talked about my life in the states, what i had been doing, where i had been working, etc. as i explained it him, we both felt like i was trying to shove myself into a hole that wasnt quite shaped for me. he asked if i had ever considered going back to uganda for some time. i had, every day since i came back so unexpectedly in july. it was something i wanted so badly that i didnt really allow myself the freedom to actually consider it. i was afraid that if i realized that the option of returning were dangling in front of me, i would just close my hand on it and not be able to listen to God about it. so, i convinced myself it just wasnt an option. but for the first time, i realized that maybe it was.

immediately following that conversation, i talked to Jesus about it. i begged that His will be done, not mine. that He open and close doors, that He make it clear, that He guide me. i then talked to a plethora of wise people that i knew, and most of them found it to be a good idea. its where i feel i thrive the most, its where i feel connected. maybe coming here would lead to the next step. i hadnt really received any clarity about what vocation i wanted to pursue since i had been back in the States. mostly, the whole idea is that we dont just sit down where we are, refuse to move until we "hear" from God and wait the rest of our lives for something to force us in one direction or the other. in order to follow, we must be moving. so this was just another step.

so, i decided to get a ticket for the second week of january. then, the last week of december i went to colorado with 13 of my closest friends. all of the sudden, i had an overwhelming feeling of fear and doubt and not wanting to go. because i didnt want to be uncomfortable and insecure and vulnerable. being back in africa is a challenge in itself. i liked my friends, i liked my community, i felt like i belong there. this caused a lot of turmoil within me. i had to take it straight to Jesus everytime the thoughts of doubt came into my mind (which was quite often). i had to constantly remind myself that He will lead me, He knows that i want whatever He wants. i had to remind myself of the Gospel and all the things i knew to be true and unchanging in the midst of indecision and confusion.

whenever i returned back home from my trip to colorado, i was completely undecided. one moment, i would be completely convinced i should stay. the next i should go. people were telling me a hundred different things and i didnt know who to listen to.

everytime i talked to God, i asked Him to silence me so that i could hear Him. i asked Him to tell me whether to stay or go. the only consistent response i got, was along the lines of..surrender..trust me...I will lead you..dont freak out. He made it clear that He was more concerned about my heart belonging to Him, and my daily obedience than my location. it began to look more and more like there were two good things in front of me that i was free to choose between. i spent two consecutive days in tears because i put so much pressure on myself to make sure i got it right. i tried to weigh all of the possible outcomes, i kept asking God to help me see the future (although i wouldnt dare word it like that). eventually, everyone (including myself) got so tired of my indecision and how badly i was freaking out, and i just had to choose. i asked God to open doors, and i had a plane ticket already purchased, i had enough money to last for a while, i had a family waiting to host me, i had nothing really holding me back. except fear of the unknown and the uncomfortable.

so, the night before i was to leave for houston, i decided to go. my lovely friend helped me pack, and the next day i left. in houston, my sister showed me an entry from my utmost for his highest that reminded her of me. it was from january 2. it talked about going out without knowing exactly where we are going, and how its a good thing. it causes us to keep our eyes fixed on Christ because everything around us is so unsure. it forces us to a place of surrender, of trusting God. "one of the most difficult questions of Christian work is, 'what do you expect to do?'. you dont know what you are going to do. all you know is that God knows what He is doing...God does not tell us what He is going to do, but He tells us who He is. let the attitude of your life be a continual willingness to "go out" in dependence on God." this was like a confirmation for me, but i know God has a sense of humor because He decided to tell me that after i had made the decision to go. also, i remembered that about 2 weeks earlier i had begged God to make me less self-aware and more Christ-aware. and these circumstances force that to happen, because nothing else really makes sense except for Him. so, i see an answered prayer.
so, i say goodbyes and board the plane. 20 hours later, i arrive in entebbe. my old pastor picks me from the airport, and i stay with him for a few days before coming here to jinja to stay with the lathams.

on arriving at the airport, i realized that i underestimated how afraid i was to be back here again. east africa doesnthave a very 'safe' feel to it. most people stare at me, mumble about me. im constantly advised to hold tightly to my bag and be careful who i trust. memories from my time in kenya flood my mind and i realize i wasnt necessarily prepared for this. but either way, we get to cherish and i am so blessed to find i have a family there. thats one thing i love about the Body of Christ, is that i have a families all over the world, welcoming me in.

the next day, i realize that there is bitterness in my heart from my last trip here that i still struggle with. its hard not to perceive other people as a threat sometimes, its hard not to stereotype and jump to conclusions. i thought that was behind me, but my defensiveness told me otherwise. i realize that i have forgiving to do.

i asked God to encourage me, and a few minutes later, a girl said, "you are good at asking questions." that is something that i have asked God to help me with time and time again. its refreshing to be reminded that God is at work in me, whether i realize it or not. later on that day, a friend from the states says, "God is going to do something special and really cool with you." that was also terribly encouraging, and helped bring about a new anticipation about my life.

so, after saying goodbye to the phillips, i came to the YWAM base in jinja.
"we've been waiting for the second coming!"
"if you were expecting Jesus, im sorry to disappoint." (-:

apparently, theres already a plethora of painting jobs for me to get started on. theres football to play, Lugandan words to be learned, matoke to be eaten, prayers to be prayed. im looking forward to it.
ill try to keep yall up to date.
blessings.