therefore He is able to save completely.

let me tell you what He has done for me.

He has restored to me all that i have lost. He has preserved me, He has been hiding me in His hand. He has kept the treasure that is inside of me, safe. i have been in His hands, untouched and unseen.
i am a jewel in His hand, a diamond too beautiful for words- for His display. i am His bride, displaying His splendor. i am an esther- intended to change nations. He is removing the spirit of orphanhood. He wants to beautify me, so that i may reign in His palace, to be His bride. He wants to beautify me from the roots up, from my very foundation. He is taking the beauty on the inside of me and bringing it out, to draw out the beauty in others. He will use me to go rescue people from darkness, from the pits of hell- and draw the beauty out of them.
He has given me a gift, He has given me the ability to see people through His eyes. to see them the way He sees them.
He has given me a unique ministry. one that is different.
i am chosen, i am a lily among thorns. i am destined for greatness, not for failure. i dont need to be afraid. He is going to use my past and the pain i have experienced to bring healing and life to others.
on march 28, 2008 the enemy thought that he won. he thought that he stole all i had, and to be honest, i did too. until today. my Father- in His wisdom- has won. He has restored. He has preserved. He has healed me. and the battle is won.
i cant believe it.


..now, all of this came through a few people praying over me. people spoke words over me as i cried and received and laughed and cried. they spoke these words that resonated so deeply in my soul. old roots of worthlessness and defilement were uprooted, as new ones of healing, purity, deep love were grounded. im amazed at the way that God works. i am amazed that He has given me these gifts, that He views me the way that He does. i am amazed that He saves completely. i am amazed that i cannot overestimate His love. im amazed that He calls me bride and He means it. im amazed at the things that are inside of me. and im amazed that i have believed so many lies for so long. its all amazing, its all beyond me.

and i pray that everyone reading this takes time to listen to His voice, because He will speak words over you that will not leave you the same again. whenever He talks to you, its like youre the only person in the whole world. maybe its something about the tone of His voice, or the way He says it, or the sweetness of His words.
or maybe its the fact that the same Word that gave birth to the stars and the earth and the sea, is the same Word that speaks to us now. no wonder it resonates so deeply in our soul. its because its the Truth. the ultimate Truth. and when you hear His voice, your soul will affirm that this is the Truth- this is what youve been waiting to hear. and friend, i promise that the Truth He speaks will set you free.

ive lost count of the weeks..

...and i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing.

ill get straight to the point though.
God and i have been wrestling a lot lately.
i am learning to hear from Him clearly. im learning to discern His voice & drown out all the other ones. im learning what it means to be still and know.
i am learning that He wants me to rest. to accept myself. to love myself. to accept His love. to know Him as my Father. to be led by Him.

something cool thats happened: after days of praying, He told me a few things.
yes, i am in fact called to the poor. to the least of these. to the forgotten and left behind.
yes, i am called to the nations. to a relatively nomadic lifestyle. i am called to the back roads and the sidewalks and the slums and the villages.
yes, there will be suffering. extreme suffering. but He has given me a special grace for a special calling. and i need to learn the art of fasting and prayer.
yes, He has given me the gift of creativity and the ability to make art for a reason. He intends to grow & cultivate this gift in me and use it for His own purposes. this could look like this.

other than that, the classes have been good. one week about the cost of discipleship, the other about biblical relationships.

ive been thinking & praying about what to do after DTS.
i know for sure ill be going to uganda until july 20. i will visit the ywam hopeland base & the phillips in cherish. then from there, im contemplating going to europe for a few weeks to a month. tossing around the idea of backpacking through holland, belgium, france, switzerland, and italy. ywam bases, hostels, couch surfing. peanut butter jelly sandwiches & instant coffee. friends and strangers. people i know and people i dont. bibles and journals. cities and mountain ranges. i dont know yet. im talking it through with Him. we'll see how it goes, or if it goes.

so, thats basically whats been going on lately.
oh, ive been staying the weekends with a lovely family. theyve really blessed me. theyve put a lot of goodness and rest into my life since ive been here. a home away from home. family is a gift from God, and i appreciate it greatly. especially in such unfamiliar territory.

all in all, ive been wandering lately in one way or another. but thats nothing new.
we leave for outreach next weekend. we are going to maasai land. google it. its the bush. yes.

outreach

so, outreach.

the first week, we went to muranga. the way there was beautiful. the mountains were covered in green. everywhere was banana trees and shambas. it was beautiful, and it kept hitting me over and over again, "how did i get here? how did i end up in africa?" i marvel at the way God works sometimes.
we did door to door evangelism during the day and revival meetings at night. during door to door, 3 or 4 of us went from one house or shamba to the next. the very first house we went to, we met a quiet girl named juliette. mary & i talked to her. she shared with us her struggle with suicidal thoughts and unforgiveness. God revealed to me some specific things He wanted her to know. she said she went to church, and she was saved. those words mean virtually nothing here, as i would soon find out. almost everyone else we spoke to just wanted us to leave, so they would say all the right words to get us to do so. we ran into a big wall called religion, which i believe is the enemy of Christ. but during one of the revivals, God asked me to share my testimony and to tell people about His love. while i was speaking, the Spirit took over and developed a deep burden for the faces staring back at me. these lost souls trapped in bodies that wreaked of alcohol and filth. rejected by everyone, no hope. this was life for them. and the severity of hell for these people hit me like a bag of something too heavy for me to carry. i sat outside and wept on behalf of these beautiful souls. that was a breakthrough.
some of the guys on our team were staying with an mzee (old man) next door. his name was john. we went to his house one day, and as he explained how his wife and son died last year, my heart caught on fire again. i felt God's love for this man deep inside of me. he has been living alone, tending to his shamba and enslaved by the monster called alcohol. he just looked at me, expecting a sermon or something. i listened to his words of depression and loneliness and hope lost. i told him about my dad, and how he also lost his son. i told him about his wrestling match with God about it, i told him about the hole it left inside of him. i said that God only heals him as much as he releases to Him. i told him about my mothers battle for freedom and life abudant. i told him of the victory and liberty she has been experiencing in Christ the last year. i told him about me, the more i give up on trying to fix myself, and give up to God, the more He comes in and makes things right in my heart. i explained salvation like our heart is a home, and Christ is knocking at the door, but he has to open it. he said he'd call me when he wanted to be saved. he was shocked a mzungu like me had ever tasted alcohol, had ever had problems, or had come to do schooling in africa of all places. ha.
*note to my family: please, be praying for this man. he needs a family. the knocking needs to get so loud he cant bear it. he needs to know the saving love of our Savior. he needs healing and restoration.
on saturday, i spoke at a youth seminar about sex, drugs, and alcohol. about how its trying to fill a hole that only God can.
on sunday, i preached at a small church about the Body of Christ. after john came into the service drunk and everyone laughed at him, i stood up again and slammed my fist on the table. i yelled. i yelled because if we want to see less drunkards & prostitutes out there and more children of God in here, we have to cut this crap out. who did Jesus come for? who did He spend time with? who are we following? why do we put up walls between us and the ones we are supposed to be reaching out to? everyone stared at me wide-eyed, and after i sat down, we all cried and repented on our knees. praise God. i love the way Jesus is so counter-cultural. i love the way He is so bold sometimes, and so gentle other. i love the way that He makes me raise my voice.
so, we left muranga in faith that seeds were sewn and we hit religion below the belt. most of all, in faith we'd done what Jesus told us to.


we went to kids alive karundas in embu. its like a childrens home, with kids from real young to teens. the facilities were all really nice, and the week was really comfortable. i worked with some other ladies on the team to put together a program for the teenage girls. we met twice a day, and discussed physical, spiritual, emotional brokenness & wholeness. the girls were really closed, so i dont know how much of what we spoke about really sank in. this week, i found it really hard to focus on Christ although i spent a lot of time by myself.

then, we went to embu. we stayed at a boarding school that no one was in. it reminds me of a prison. the mattresses wreaked of old and nasty somethings. and everyday we eat ugali and cabbage. the water may or may not have had amoebas. we literally walked 10 miles a day. we worked with a church that reminded me of black american televangelism. it was the best week of outreach.
we did door to door, and the community was a lot more accepting and open. i think there had been much intercession for these people. the first day, we saw the Lord draw a lady to Himself, and we got to pray with her.
also, 3 guys came up to the school we were staying at and (in samburu) asked us to tell them about God. we shared the Gospel with them, and the all came to Jesus. one in particular caught my attention from the very beginning. he had a special light in his eyes, like he was really alive. thats a rare thing to see here, most of the people seem to be going through the day to day, questioning nothings, processing nothing, creating nothing. just getting by. but he wanted something more, and i saw him find this in Christ. he came with us on door to door. the next few days, i spent most of my free time talking to him (through a translator). "what do you wanna be?" "a prayer warrior." i loved seeing the hand of God in his life. when God does something, its beautiful. im very thankful i got to participate. he gave me his bracelet and i gave him mine. we pray for eachother.
during door to door, phelix & i went to a brewery. about 10 drunkards were sitting around, drinking. i walked in and immediately got the whistles and glances, but just greeted them and took my seat. we debated with them about whether drinking is a sin or not. i explained how the hole they are trying to fill with alchohol is only going to get bigger with time, and they all got silent. i assured them it can only be filled with Christ. they were surprisingly attentive. i love these people.

during the time i spent with Jesus these weeks these are some things i learned:
He wants to ween me off of my dependency on my emotions. how much i seek Him shouldnt depend on how im feeling that day.
God is perfecting me, and thats not necessarily what i signed up for. but its what i get. He doesnt want me to be ordinary or decent, but a saint. not just good, but perfect. the only thing about to stand in the way is me. when trouble comes (moeny, illness, spiritual dryness, suffering) it is because He isnt content to leave me the same. He is still purifying me because after i come out of it on the other side, i will look more like Christ. it seems excessive to me, because i dont understand the greatness to which He has called me. i ask Him to come into my heart and fix up the leaking pipe and squeaky door, because i know thats broken. but when He digs up the foundation, i dont get it because i dont see that He intends to build a palace. after all, the King of Kings is going to live there.
the best ministry is the kind that the Spirit tells you to do. you know, when you have a real burden and passion and love for the people that comes from Him. not the kind you force or do because you are supposed to.
as His children, His love for us never changes. but as we grow up, His expectations of us & our responsibilities do change.
its only about staying connected to Him, remaining in Him. all else flows out of that. literally, everything.
theres different stages of our relationship with Christ: potter/clay, sheperd/sheep, master/servant, friend/friend, Father/daughter, bride/groom.
God has given me a heart for those that are hard for others to love. for drunkards, prostitutes, the destitute and hopeless. i thank Him for this.
"Christ, id walk across hot coals for You." "abby, I died on a cross for you." got me there, Jesus.


thanks for all of you who prayed. He heard you.
penda.