week nine

two months already? weird. it feels like ive been here forever, but it sure doesnt feel like ive been gone that long. really, i suppose two months isnt that long afterall.

this week, had a man named tony taylor from england. he taught on the Holy Spirit. but all throughout the week, he was like a father to all the students. taking every opportunity to have one on one conversations with everyone, making time for all of us.

in the first few days, i started to realize something. that my whole foundation was wrong. that for my whole life, my relationship with God had been based on my own merit, obedience, how well i did things- not on Christ and His righteousness. this shed a whole new light on things. also, i learned things like "love doesnt demand a change, it produces one." God doesnt wait until i am better behaved or nicer to others to love me, He loves me now, as i am. and that Love doesnt leave me the same, it changes me. He doesnt love me because of whats inside of me, but because that is His nature. how liberating.

also, this relationship with God isnt a test to pass, i dont have to make the grade by fasting 40 days or reading my Bible for 3 hours a day or witnessing to 4 people a day. that has already been done for me in Christ's sacrifice. i dont pray because i have to, but because i want to. whenever i learn to rest in Him, that is when i will really grow. the more i know Him, the more i desire Him, the more i serve Him, the more my defenses come down. ive had it all backwards. its like if i was playing candyland or monopoly, if i skipped the starting point and started halfway up the board. it just cant work that way for long. i must start with Christ. moreso, in Christ. this is where i grow.

see, He is the vine and i am the branches. as i remain in Him, He remains in me. and as this happens, i start to bear fruit, i dont produce it. it doesnt come from me striving and pushing and forcing, but just continuing to be connected to the vine. thats all.
this really simplifies Christianity in general. its not a to-do list, its not an exam. its something free and enjoyable, knowing that anything good coming out of me is from the Christ in me. its just a matter of being aware of and open to Christ.

all of this seems to easy though, sindiyo? whats my part? phil 2:12, to work out my salvation, for it is God who works in me to will and act and fulfill His own good purpose. i work out what He works in. its a response to what He is doing inside of me. so, its still simple.
this being said, it doesnt make sense for us Christ-lovers to pray for specific virtues or fruits, like "Lord, make me more patient" as if God was hovering in a helicopter waiting to bomb some patience on our lives. God doesnt just give us one virtue or the other, He gives us Christ, fully Christ. and in Christ, all of these good things are found. so what we really need is more Christ. glory.
o
ne thing we tend to say and think is "less of me, more of Christ", like we must lose our own personality and preferences and such. God created each of us, to be the way we are. it goes more like, the more we are ourselves, the more Christ can be Himself in us. i havent quite wrapped my head around this one, but it makes sense to me.

He also taught on the Holy Spirit's gifts (1 Cor 12) and baptism into the Holy Spirit, or being filled. these are things ive never really heard of or spent any time on. but since ive been here, ive heard people speaking in tongues & prophesying and such for the first time in my life. i see how in the right situations, it really does edify & build up the Body of Christ. i see the use of these things now. they are important, and they are available to anyone that has the Spirit and should be used in accordance with His prompting for helping others. they arent for our use, but others.

outside of class, God has been bringing up a lot of the past for us to deal with and go over. ive finally allowed myself to be hurt from things and feel pain that i never did. i realized that i kind of skipped being a kid, and so its hard for me to understand just what it means to be a child of God, just resting with Him and spending time with Him just because He's my Papa. i realized that i probably had a lot of walls up towards God and shut down to Him. i realized that i dont necessarily trust Jesus with all of me, simply because He is a guy. this is something we are working through.
He spoke to me that He wants to restore some of my relationships, that He wants reconciliation in my life. i told Him okay.

someone said to me recently:
"But, then other people...seem to be gifted with unusual circumstance....circumstance that grows them in a different way. In a way that allows them to see more...and eventually be more. this ability to see deeper and farther, to persevere....to be undeterred...this comes from having to see deeper and farther, having to persevere....having to be undeterred. This is what is formed out of your pain. Empathy, understanding, vision. Thank God for the gift, Abby. Most people don't have it."
the reality of suffering has been coming up lately. my whole life, i have felt a sense of heaviness and burden. i know that following Jesus often takes us through suffering. mama t lived through 40 years of "darkness of the soul" where she felt as though God had abandoned her.
now, i see that we are called to rejoice in suffering. and suffering isnt feelings of depression, self condemnation, isolation, guilt. its not giving into the enemy's lies.
anyway, i told God that if He has called me to a life of suffering, that i would do it as long as He was with me and i had joy in it. if He has called me to a life of freedom and joy and abandon, thats a different story. an unfamiliar one. this is uncharted territory and honestly more a step of faith than the other one. but either way, its Christ in me. what do you think?

anyway, we have been praying for outreach lately. fasting/praying one day a week and putting together different programs to do. we leave on monday. heres the gameplan:
week one-murang'a (central kenya). door to door evangelism, open air & revival meetings. really uncomfortable for me seeing as i am into more long term, relational discipling. but i know God works in ways bigger than my preferences. well be staying with different people from the church & making our own food. on saturday, we will be doing a youth seminar in which me & john will talk about sex,drugs,alcoholism in light of the freedom in Christ. how will that play out? good question.
week 2- nyeri. we will be at a compound called kids alive that has different homes with families of orphans. well be spending time with them and doing different small groups & stuff, focusing on the death & resurrection of Jesus.
week 3- embu. not sure whats going down there.

anyway, then we will be back may 1. yep.

people have been asking for prayer requests:
- mark 3:20-30. unity, seriously though. some of us arent really serious about this, and others are. we arent all on the same page in our walk with Jesus, and its important that we dont become divided when things get tough. please pray that we would the Spirit would knit us together & we'd learn to lay down our lives for our brothers..every day.
- 2 cor 12:9-10. we are weak. that His power would be made perfect in this weakness. if we were capable of doing this on our own, then we couldnt blame it on God if awesome things happen.
- that people would blossom, especially in their giftings. that they would get out of their comfort zones and take a step of faith. that each and every person would make themselves available to be used by God.
- that above all, we would love eachother, love God, and love the world. in one way, its ministry. but i dont want this to turn into some religious competition or miracle workshop. really, its just doing life as usual but in a new place with new faces.
- that His joy would be our strength, and that we would wait on Him so that we can be directed by Him & not grow weary/overwork ourselves.
- that His glory would be our aim, always. that pride would be killed daily.
- however else the Spirit leads you, and if you want, He will lead you.

i am greatly encouraged knowing i have a family across the world interceding for these weeks. thank you all for remaining committed. its a beautiful thing, and i thank God for it.

penda