week seven

this week, we had a man from the hopeland base (in uganda) named leo. he talked about worldview. basically, he talked about different parts of the world. when he talked about india, i felt like my heart caught on fire. but that isnt rare. that happens when anyone talks about basically anywhere besides china, most of europe, or south america. ha.

on monday night, i locked myself in a room and listened to music and danced for Jesus. that was really liberating. tuesday morning, i spent time on my knees, really aware of the fact that He was standing right in front of me, even though i couldnt see Him. i opened my hands, believing with everything in me that if He wanted to, He could literally touch me or drop something into them. it was a new feeling, i was at a loss for words when He stood in front of me. i realized that He is always present, its just a matter of how aware of this we are or not. this changes everything, really. because if the risen Jesus is walking around beside/inside of us, it must means that we must seize every opportunity and start living with purpose.

my mind was swarmed with thoughts of general self-condemnation and guilt this week, as i struggled to try and desire God above all else (money, security, comfort, etc). the topic of fasting keeps coming up, and everytime it comes to my mind i get a nauseous and guilty feeling, it doesnt feel like the Holy Spirit. i dont get a peace about it. but then again, ive never had a positive experience with it. i prayed with my friend patra about it and asked God what He wanted me to do about it, and He said to both of us "not yet". this week feels like ive been searching and striving a whole lot, with not much result.
generational sin came up a lot also, how the sins of our parents & their families are often passed down to us. that was interesting, because i found that it was more or less accurate. i struggle with a lot of the same things that my parents do. what to do with this information, im not sure. we just prayed that it would be cut off from my life.

one day while painting, i had this revelation about myself. i desire some sort of consistency of feeling in my life. like a constant joy, a constant freedom, a constant anything really. but this just cant happen with our emotions, because we live in a place that sucks where nothing remains the same. but the Christ in me doesnt change, so that says something.

here, i find it harder to be generous for several reasons. one, i dont want to perpetuate the idea of mzungu=money and create a dependency on either me or westerners. i want to empower the people, not enslave them anymore than they already are. so this means that i cant be driven by need, but by the Spirit. so, i must be more cautious when giving. another thing is that i have no idea how much i will need if i were to prolong my stay here or change one of my tickets back home. theres this vulnerability now that wasnt there before, because i have a limited supply of finances. so, i feel as though i must consult God before every time i spend, although it comes a lot more naturally when considering giving to someone else, because of my selfishness. this has been frustrating.

on the other hand, we have started to prepare skits & songs for our 3-week outreach that is coming up pretty soon. i have been picking up what seems to be a lot of swahili lately. i can understand bits and pieces of conversations if wameongea polepole sana. but either way, there was this song in swahili that i was singing with the rest of my group, and everyone in the class was impressed. but then they got to this verse that i totally forgot, and so i just stood there completely confused. for one reason or another, i just burst out laughing, and the whole thing fell apart. everyone in the room was laughing hysterically and most people didnt even know why. it was awesome. anyway, heres a picture:

all in all, this week felt kind of dry, like it was something to just get over with. lakini, Bwana asifiwe.

week six

this week, we had a speaker from south africa, her name was ruth. she spoke on brokenness, which was an interesting topic to be discussed in the context of african culture. she began the lectures by explaining what wholeness is, and that God desires the best for our lives. she explained that salvation isnt just something in regards to eternity, but it is God making us whole here and now. that really opened my eyes a lot, i never really understood before that God not only wants good things for me, but the best, and not only in my spiritual life, but in all of it. this was news to me.

she also spoke on forgiveness, which i realized i still needed to take care of regarding some people in my past. ive learned that forgiveness is a choice, and the feelings follow later (like most things). so i decided to make that choice.

on saturday, me & a few other girls went to a nearby girls boarding school called st. stephens. this school has been through a lot what with two robberies in the last few months. me & patra really shared our hearts with these girls, talking about our past experiences being healed by God's Love, which is real. i left there with a heaviness, like just one testimony & small group isnt going to leave a long-lasting impact on these girls lives. i wanted to do a follow up, to build real relationships and actually be a part of their life.

thats when i got this idea: a team of women who go to a school or church group, then do different sessions with the girls and cover topics like: how to respond to thieves, self defense, safety tips, sexual abuse counseling, trauma response, etc. covering the preparatory & post-trauma sides of it. here, the culture doesnt allow for girls to discuss anything regarding sex with their parents or anybody. nobody speaks up, and this means that there is a lot of shame and secrets circling around anything like this. it makes ministry in this area really difficult.

also, these three places have been on my heart a lot: gulu, uganda. the red light district in amsterdam, and kolkata, india. ive had ideas and visions circulating in my mind about backpacking to these places, or going straight there after the DTS. but i havent gotten a confirmation about any of them yet, nor do i have any idea how the finances would work out. but im choosing not to stress about it because my Papa made the stars, so im pretty sure He can handle the next few years of my life. these are places with hurting and broken people, places that i have been fascinated with for years, so i want to go there and see if God has anything long term for me there.

i love traveling, i love adventure. i love things that are new. but i also love building long term relationships and discipling people. i love the freedom to stay or go. i love not being stuck somewhere. who knows how all this will play out or when.

there are some differences i have noticed about the west and here. i remember when i was younger i would ask why God doesnt do miracles anymore, why He doesnt heal people or turn water into wine. at that point, id never been to africa. in the west, if you get sick, you go to a doctor and get medicine. if youre hungry, you go to heb or mcdonalds. if youre sad or hurting, you go to counselling. if youre mentally disturbed, you go to a psychiatrist. we are so self-dependent that it doesnt really leave room for a desperation for God to move. we dont really need God to do anything, so, since we dont ask, He doesnt (in my experience). here, that is not the case at all. you get sick, you pray. youre hungry, you pray. youre sad, you pray. youre mentally disturbed, someone prays for you. people here are familiar with miracles and healing. they are familiar with His willingness to act, not just His ability. in the west, we are so hesitant to rely on His willingness, on His goodness. here, if He isnt willing and if He isnt concerned, there are no other options. this desperation is a beautiful thing.

another thing is that everyone says that westerners are time/task-oriented and that africans are relationship-oriented. at first, i thought there wasnt a lot of truth in this, because i find that relating deeply to africans is actually quite difficult, but i see now what they mean. if someone stops you on the street and talks to you for 5 minutes, you are now officially friends. friendship here is a very wide thing, not a very deep thing. as opposed to the west, where a friend is someone youve shared your heart with and known for years. so, in that aspect, yes, africans are very-relationship oriented. its just that relationships look different here.

another thing that keeps coming up is my age. everytime someone asks and i tell them, without fail, they are surprised that i am so young. honestly, i dont feel my age. i feel like i have left my youth behind; that mindset of "i still have the rest of my life to do meaningful things, i may as well screw around for a few more years". i feel as though my future, my "ministry", if you like, is about to begin. i feel like i am moving forward, i have a sense of urgency about life, knowing that my days are numbered. like theres too much to do and not enough time, and ive only been here for 17 years. either way, its just weird.

oh and one more thing, me & elinor (one of the staff here) have been trying to come up with ways to continue the prostitution ministry in makutano that her & lora started. there is not much direction or resources yet, but we are just tossing around ideas and prayers about that.

this weekend, i talked to jacob, taylor, faith and some family. i have a deep love for the people back home. i want to be sharing life with them, but i know this is where God has called me, so i still know id rather be here than there.

im not taking enough pictures, sorry.

frederick buechner said,

"we are children perhaps at the very moment when we know that it is as children that God loves us- not because we have deserved His love and not in spite of our undeserving; not because we try and not because we recognize the futility of our trying; but simply because He has chosen to love us. we are children because He is our father, and all our efforts, fruitful and fruitless, to do good, to speak truth, to understand, are the efforts of children who, for all their precocity, are children still in that before we loved Him, He loved us, as children, through Jesus Christ our Lord."

week five, i think

so, this past week has been good, its been better.
first of all, we had classes again. the speaker taught about the character & nature of God. but still, i learned the most about Him and His nature not in a classroom, but in the stillness and in the unexpected moments of interacting with people.

He and i really wrestled over the topics of obedience and submission and sacrifice. He exposed a lot of depression and brokenness inside of me that i had been overlooking for years. He exposed to me that i put so much pressure on myself to do enough to be accepted by Him or please Him, while neglecting truly loving Him or seeking Him. thats not what He wants.

He spoke a few things through a few different people since ive been here. first of all, song of songs 2:10-12. also, that He is starting something new in my heart, that something new is blooming inside of me. also, that a river of joy will be flowing out of my heart. also, that He desires that i learn to enjoy Him and enjoy life. He doesnt want me to be miserable and lifeless. He desires that my life is abundant. He wants good things for me, and thats news to me. He loves me as i am, still broken. He accepts me as i am. also, He wants to rescue me from the depression that ive been friends with lately, but that means that i must lay down all that is familiar and comfortable to me, and start living a new way and think in new ways. He has told me that i am free from all of these things, but i need to walk boldly in this freedom. i need to take hold of it. He is starting a new thing, and its for the rest of my life. He is giving me new shoes to walk through this life with Him. i am excited about this, and i was hesitant to start, but today i decided that i no longer want to live without joy and freedom, and i am ready to start something new.
my quiet times have been silent, dry, unfocused sometimes. and other times theyve been times of refreshing and times of waiting. its been good, though. thats basically how ive been on the inside.

on the other hand, playing soccer has been a lot better lately. i scored twice. and the fields are so bumpy that i can hardly run for fear of breaking my ankles (again, thanks jacob). ive been able to keep up with the guys. i have been running more often, and thats been interesting.
also, this weekend was a ministry weekend. we went to an orphanage called springs of hope in machakos (which is a nearby town). that was nearly miserable. the kids werent very well cared-for, and it was really draining to be there. i spent time with the little babies, and got the chance to pray over them, which was nice. i also fed the little kids. it was pretty hilarious to shove rice into these kids mouths while their eyes were wide and staring at me, i swear they didnt even blink. i really feel for the mamas that work there, that must be a challenging job.
there was also a boy named dennis there who had what looked a lot like achardi syndrome. he reminded me of my sweet babygirl, caelan. the way that people are diagnosed and treated here is just so strange to me, because what i really mean is people arent diagnosed and treated. they are just "lame" and the only viable resources for healing is prayer or witchdoctors. it broke my heart to see this boy. but, i know theres hope for a future, in the next life. praise God for that hope, amen?

oh, and one of the students that was with us at this DTS had a psychotic break last week. he got kind of violent, and kept yelling and causing a lot of issues that the base wasnt qualified to handle. so, he was taken by the police to the mental ward in the hospital in machakos. we tried to visit him, but he wasn't in a good enough condition to see us. the only way you knew the difference between a patient and a visitor is that when someone walks in front of you, you see that their hands were tied behind their back with rope. that was interesting, for sure.

then on sunday, a group of us went to a small pentecostal church in makutano. i preached the bible study (which is like the pre-sermon). i spoke about the armor of God for about 20 minutes. i felt like i bored the people because they are used to screaming, sweating preachers and quiet little mouse-like me approaches the front, and i just felt the deep sigh from the people. it was okay though because my translator was quite pentecostal to say the least. he screamed everything i said, and so he received a lot of amen's, which was encouraging. the rest of the service was about 4 hours long, and both of the translators were yelling at the same time. that was interesting.

really hilarious because that word "interesting" is used so often during the day, especially between us westerners towards the kenyans. and vice verca. its polite, i suppose. its like, "so abby, how are you liking the ugali & cabbage every night for dinner?" "its...interesting." and "so consolota, how are you liking my music (the civil wars)?" "theyre..interesting." if you catch my drift.

this weeks classes are going to be good, i just know it. the speaker is a lady from wales named ruth, and we hit it off really well. she will be speaking on the topic of brokenness. im excited about that.

so, in summary, the Lord has really been speaking to me about accepting myself, accepting His love, saying yes to Him, and He is turning over a new leaf in my life that is full of joy and freedom. and i am looking forward to this.

guys, He answers prayers. and He is the most persistent thing ive ever experienced in the whole universe, besides maybe mosquitoes. which by the way have really been annoying at night. but He is just really lovely. and He wants a people full of life, covered in beauty, able to dance with Him. i wanna be part of these people.

penda.

week four

so, ive been here a month. which is hard to believe. it doesnt feel like that long, but at the same time, a day feels like a thousand years. figure that one out. here goes nothing.

first of all, 2 weekends ago i went to kibera! it was so great. i got to see festus & all the staff, as well as boaz and collins. it was so great. i went with my good friends, susan and patra. after the hour and a half it took to get there via matatu, we walked into the slum over the (new) bridge and were immediately greeted with "welcome home!" there was a sense of home there. patra mentioned that she forgot she was in the slum because of the joy and excitement of the people. its so true. my brother festus encouraged me so much and was very hospitable. i cant wait to go back.

the third week:
this week, the classes were about breaking ungodly altars & prayer/intercession. this week, i realized that i have been operating out of religion for so long. i have been depending on my own works and my own goodness, thinking that that is what makes me to have peace with Him. Christ slowly but surely started reminded me that this is not the case at all. so, i wrestled with and talked about and prayed about this all week long.

then, on friday,this happened. and long story short, since friday, i have been learning a lot about suffering. and paradoxes. and intercession. and loss.
i realized that they way that africans relate to pain and suffering is very different than westerners.
this week, we had a few classes on missions & evangelism, but for the most part, the base just took it easy. also, i became friends with a guy from holland. we laughed and talked and understood eachother, and that was definitely a blessing to have him around. he shed light on my geographical illiteracy and allegedly pushed me out of a chair, it was great. then, he left. so that was that. anyway, people from all over the continent came in to have debriefing meetings with the staff and things of that nature, so there wasn't much for the students to do. and that meant a lot of time with God.

first, i realized that we are really walking in a land of constant paradox. like God is just and merciful. life hurts, people die, and God is good. we are called to suffer, but with joy. we are already clean, but we are to be holy. i am to embrace my brokenness, and be made whole. i think the Cross might be the key paradox of it all. for instance, this morning God told me, "my Love is what holds you together and tears you apart, it is what purifies and sanctifies you. its the reason you are already clean. my Love is His blood." wow. enough said. the ultimate paradox, God's Love. these realities have been a real challenge to wrap my mind around. its been mentally strenuous, but good.

second, i am faced with many questions because of this incident. the one that affects me the most is this: what good is God's presence when people can be assaulted and killed in it? what happened to psalm 121:7- "The Lord will watch over your life; keep you from all harm."? i am faced with the reality that following Christ does not guarantee me physical safety by any means. in fact, quite the opposite. i am promised persecution. "Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted." (2 tim 3:12) i pray that one day, i will be able to rejoice and be content during that persecution like paul. thank God that He is a heart-changer.

third, something great happened. i experienced for the first time, the love of God as my Father. after a long conversation and prayer session with my brother tim, God put His arms around me and assured me that His Love was unconditional and didnt depend on my obedience or response or lack there of. when that happened, God touched me in a deep way and everything changed. the way i related to people and myself. and i realized thats all that matters.
i think back to being in a relationship where all i wanted to do was please the other person, to surprise them with acts of love. to make them smile; that was what gave me joy. and thats the way that serving God should be, out of the same heart-attitude of love. i pray for that more and more in my life and in my heart, because that will produce the obedience in me that both me and the Lord desire.

fourth, i am really struggling with depression. i am usually bummed whenever i wake up and i realize that i have another day to get through. when i think of the future, it seems ominous and daunting. something i want to avoid. but when this love, excitement, joy of God touched me, everything changed for a time. and i wanted to live, i had desire and passion again. im praying for more of that.

well, i think thats all basically. this week has gone by really slowly, but next week classes start up again and things will go back to normal, basically.

please keep my dear sister, lora in your prayers. and thank you all so much for the prayers that have gone up for me. God is faithful in answering them. He is holding me together. hallelujah for that.
penda.