week two

essentially, things are looking up.
last weekend, i went to karin's house and relaxed with her and her family. i also used the wifi. it was a nice, quiet time. then on sunday, i went to a vineyard church and a java house in nairobi with other mzungus. that was really nice to be able to spend all day relating well to the people i was with. coming back to the base, i realized how much i like the people im with. i actually missed them. and even though we were only apart for 2 days, it was like a reunion when we all returned.
i was reminded of how God is faithful, and He answers prayers. He has most definitely been unifying us in our faith. even through our time apart.
then, on monday our speaker came. his name was ezekiel. he spoke on joshua 6:1-7. how the soldiers were told to march around Jericho for seven days in silence. they didnt see results. they didnt even see a crack. some of them probably thought what they were doing was useless, but then on the seventh day, it all happened at once. they claimed the land and victory was won. that message was for me. God told me to keep pressing on, not to lose heart, because He is faithful and results will come in due time.
anyway, that was the start of my week. it was good.
during the week, ezekiel discussed quiet times, hearing God's voice, praise & worship, and prayer & intercession.
ive learned a lot about my God and myself and my walk with Him.
the topic that really spoke to me the most was praise and worship. ezekiel said, "worship is a gift that we give to the Lord." its something completely selfless and meant to bless Him and move His heart. i never thought about it like that.
one morning, God told me through eph. 1 that the only reason i was chosen and adopted is for the praise of His glorious grace. honestly, that messed me up. i used to have this perception of God like prideful, arrogant, greedy. i openly admitted to Him that He has all right to be that way, obviously, but that if that is His character, im not sure i want to worship Him. i hate pride in myself & others, why would i want to see that in my God? now, i realize that me saying or thinking this at all was extremely bold and out of place and probably spoken out of pride in the first place, but i told Him anyway. He told ezekiel to tell me this: "abby, I am smiling on you. you are special. I'm not like that; I'll show you." God is secure, He can handle my doubt and my questions. i am doing my best to truly worship Him, even when i dont know Him all that well. i know that He is giving me grace, and loads of mercy. He loves me despite all that is inside of me. and He takes all of me, excluding nothing. that in itself deserves some worship. i know that He will show Himself as He really is if i continue seeking His true nature and character.
also, God has exposed a lot of other things inside of me that are/were hindering me from truly surrendering and praying in faith.
most of all, He is teaching me to sit in the incomplete-ness. i am not finished yet, but that is okay. He takes His time, but His time is always perfect and i know that. this sums it up so well. kendra sent it to me:

"Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way
to something unknown,
something new.
Yet it is the law of all progress that is made
by passing through some stages of instability
and that may take a very long time.
And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.
Let them shape themselves without undue haste.
Do not try to force them on
as though you could be today what time
-- that is to say, grace --
and circumstances
acting on your own good will
will make you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new Spirit
gradually forming in you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.
Above all, trust in the slow work of God,
our loving vine-dresser.
Amen."

so that is where i am right now, spiritually.

although all of the students are getting along a lot better this week, there are still some differences and difficulties.
the way that people worship is really different. it is very loud, very emotional. ive heard people speaking in tongues and wailing and screaming prayers. the way in which i worship is very quiet, so this has been pretty shocking. ive been struggling to concentrate during times of worship. its hard to focus in these situations.
also, conversations are still very surface level. but i have realized its because these people are taught not to feel very deeply, so its like their own feelings arent even available to be talked about. im not sure what to do- if anything- with that. just trying to relate to them on their own level.

basically, its all good.

penda.