encouragement and things of that nature.

so, its 33 days until i leave.
i have been getting loads of blessing and encouragement the past few weeks.
i recently sent out the last of my support letters. i felt pretty weird about it because asking people for money has always been relatively uncomfortable.
now, whenever i think about kenya it is more in regards to all of the logistics. i try not to have expectations, because i dont want to risk putting God in a box.
but, i have been hearing a lot about YWAM lately, and everything i hear has been really positive. i will show you that, but first..let me show you the relation between my prayers and things i have heard about DTS.

some excerpts and prayers from a few months ago:

Nov 6 "i want to be free. i want to look back from my deathbed and be more sure than ever that God is exceedingly, abundantly, more than i could ever ask or hope for."

Nov 13: "Father, please become personal. swing low to meet me here."

Nov 14: "i just wanna see the Truth, and i want it to set me free- even though i hardly know what that means sometimes. if God is all these things- if He can be condensed to some figment of my imagination- dictated by doubt and emotions, i want nothing to do with Him. everything within me longs for a God that is exceedingly, abundantly more than i could ask or hope for. a God who doesnt need me but chooses to use me anyway. a God full of understanding and true compassion. a God who rights all wrongs. a God who i can truly rely on for food and safety. a God with endless grace for my seemingly endless sin. a God who truly sets me free. who changes everything. who is enough. one who can stoop down to my level.  God, who are You? how can i know You, really? i want to hear from You in undeniable, earth-shattering ways."

some things said regarding DTS from a few girls i know that did it:
"DTS has completely changed my everything. In the most brilliant way possible. If I were to list everything God has done you would have a ridiculously long long message. One of the things he's done is shown me who I am, and who I'm really meant to be in him. When I came into DTS I struggled with insecurity, but now I'm not. I still struggle, but God has really set me free. It's like every area in my life that I think I'm good in, God just shows me he has better, and every area I know I need work in God brings breakthrough. He's been so faithful to me. It's just such an amazing time of meeting with him and getting to know him. He's so much more real to me now than ever before and I know life won't be the same ever again. It's turned into an intimate relationship, he's my best friend now!"
"It's so hard to even express what God did for me and can do at a place like that. I mean, you are living and breathing the spirit 24/7. You are given nothing but time to seek him, focus on him, worship him, be molded by him. It's insane. All I can really say is that my view of God was thrown into the air and blasted with a rifle. In a good way. My relationship with him is unique. It's real. I know my God. I don't know the church's God, or my parent's God ... Or even the girl who befriended me. My God is personal and no one can take him from me"


God has been doing a lot inside of me lately. He has been showing me His heart little by little lately, and that has caused a good amount of growth already. but something inside of me says that this trip to kenya will be somewhat of a spiritual growth spurt. and this is what i have been longing for lately. a big change. in location. of heart. all of it. i am ready for something new and fresh and challenging. 


God uses the broken, He uses the ones that humbly admit their shortcomings and sins and failures and beg for help. this is where i have been for months. i have been struggling with and surrendering judgment, depression, insecurity. 


also my sweet friend, faith is organizing a benefit concert for me on january 14. i am kind of skeptical solely because the last benefit concert that me and taylor tried to put on really didnt end up being that effective. but, Jehovah Jireh! i have heard story after story of His financial provision in His own timing, and how He stretches His children to trust Him. so, i suppose that is what is happening here. (: if you want more info on it check it out here:
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=181813218509608

encouragement and things of that nature.

so, its 33 days until i leave.
i have been getting loads of blessing and encouragement the past few weeks.
i recently sent out the last of my support letters. i felt pretty weird about it because asking people for money has always been relatively uncomfortable.
now, whenever i think about kenya it is more in regards to all of the logistics. i try not to have expectations, because i dont want to risk putting God in a box.
but, i have been hearing a lot about YWAM lately, and everything i hear has been really positive. i will show you that, but first..let me show you the relation between my prayers and things i have heard about DTS.

some excerpts and prayers from a few months ago:

Nov 6 "i want to be free. i want to look back from my deathbed and be more sure than ever that God is exceedingly, abundantly, more than i could ever ask or hope for."

Nov 13: "Father, please become personal. swing low to meet me here."

Nov 14: "i just wanna see the Truth, and i want it to set me free- even though i hardly know what that means sometimes. if God is all these things- if He can be condensed to some figment of my imagination- dictated by doubt and emotions, i want nothing to do with Him. everything within me longs for a God that is exceedingly, abundantly more than i could ask or hope for. a God who doesnt need me but chooses to use me anyway. a God full of understanding and true compassion. a God who rights all wrongs. a God who i can truly rely on for food and safety. a God with endless grace for my seemingly endless sin. a God who truly sets me free. who changes <b>everything</b>. who is enough. one who can stoop down to my level. <i> God, who are You? how can i know You, really? i want to hear from You in undeniable, earth-shattering ways.</i>"

some things said regarding DTS from a few girls i know that did it:
"DTS has completely changed my everything. In the most brilliant way possible. If I were to list everything God has done you would have a ridiculously long long message. One of the things he's done is shown me who I am, and who I'm really meant to be in him. When I came into DTS I struggled with insecurity, but now I'm not. I still struggle, but God has really set me free. It's like every area in my life that I think I'm good in, God just shows me he has better, and every area I know I need work in God brings breakthrough. He's been so faithful to me. It's just such an amazing time of meeting with him and getting to know him. He's so much more real to me now than ever before and I know life won't be the same ever again. It's turned into an intimate relationship, he's my best friend now!"
"It's so hard to even express what God did for me and can do at a place like that. I mean, you are living and breathing the spirit 24/7. You are given nothing but time to seek him, focus on him, worship him, be molded by him. It's insane. All I can really say is that my view of God was thrown into the air and blasted with a rifle. In a good way. My relationship with him is unique. It's real. I know my God. I don't know the church's God, or my parent's God ... Or even the girl who befriended me. My God is personal and no one can take him from me"


God has been doing a lot inside of me lately. He has been showing me His heart little by little lately, and that has caused a good amount of growth already. but something inside of me says that this trip to kenya will be somewhat of a spiritual growth spurt. and this is what i have been longing for lately. a big change. in location. of heart. all of it. i am ready for something new and fresh and challenging. 


God uses the broken, He uses the ones that humbly admit their shortcomings and sins and failures and beg for help. this is where i have been for months. i have been struggling with and surrendering judgment, depression, insecurity. 


also my sweet friend, faith is organizing a benefit concert for me on january 14. i am kind of skeptical solely because the last benefit concert that me and taylor tried to put on really didnt end up being that effective. but, Jehovah Jireh! i have heard story after story of His financial provision in His own timing, and how He stretches His children to trust Him. so, i suppose that is what is happening here. (: if you want more info on it check it out here:
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=181813218509608

psalm 139

"Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit? 
      to be out of Your presence? 
   If I climb to the sky, You're there! 
      If I settle on the far side of the sea, 
   even there Your hand will guide me.
   Your right hand will hold me fast
   If I flew on morning's wings 
      to the far western horizon, 
   You'd find me in a minute— 
      You're already there waiting! 
   Then I said to myself, "Oh, He even sees me in the dark! 
      At night I'm immersed in the light!" 
   It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to You; 
      night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to You."
Psalm 139:7-10 (MSG)


i am in the process of memorizing psalm 139, and these are todays verses. its pretty obvious why they are relevant, and why they spoke so clearly to my heart.


"abby, sweet girl, trust Me. does it really matter which side of the sea You are on? I am wherever you are, no matter where you are. I wont let you out of my sight. I wont ever be a step behind you. you will always be right where I can use you. you will always be in the palm of my hand, I will never let go. I cant ever let go. My Love is far too big."


by the way, sometimes i hear lies so loud and clear- oftentimes out of nowhere. "you call yourself a missionary?" or "you really think you are even usable?". i almost always immediately recognize that they are lies and pray against them, but they pierce my heart nonetheless. i need protection from these lies. 
but even here, i am in His hands. and He will protect me. He will guide me. and that is all i could ask for. 

and so it begins..

this blog is to let everyone in on what God is doing in my life, mostly in regards to my trip to kenya in february. i will update this here in the states, about what He is doing and saying and how He is moving. and i will update it in kenya, about what He's doing, saying, moving- on the other side of the ocean. i pray it serves as an encouragement to everyone that takes the time to read it, and i hope it helps me stay connected to everyone that is supporting me on this trip. 

anyway, here is the back story to my decision to go after i realized God made the decision to send me:

so i walk into the franklin's house, and faith is like 'hey, i found this cool organization that i think you would like. it seems like they have the same heartbeat as you do. check them out?' so naturally, we spend the next hour and a half trying navigating http://www.ywam.org- reading about the work that God is doing through them, and what exactly they believe.
and from what we gathered, we liked it. personally, i related with their emphasis on really knowing God for who He is- for shaping our lives, minds, and hearts around His. i immediately became very drawn to YWAM.
i also pulled that whole, 'if they have a DTS in nairobi, im doing it!' card. lo and behold.. obviously they did.
i started praying about it, and considering it as an option- telling others that it is a possibility after i graduate.
the whole process of applying and contacting them and gathering information really solidified my desire to go there.
i talked to mama franklin, and voiced how im not able to trust myself and my own desires. i told her that im afraid God has called me to a life of circumstantial mediocrity- the last thing i want. im afraid that He wants me to stay in the states, get a 9-5 and have 3 kids. now, that lifestyle suits a lot of people very well, and God has just as much purpose for that as He does mother teresa's lifestyle. but either way, i just knew that wasnt 'for me'. never have i envisioned my life to look like that. but either way, i thought maybe He has given me these desires for missions and poverty just to torment me- to make me miserable. after telling her all of this she said, "abby, if you ask God to give you the desires of your heart- not to fulfill them, but give them to you in the first place- He will do that. if your heart is honest in that prayer, you simply have to trust that that is what is going on here. that He has given you these desires and He plans to fulfill them." this was news to me! what a revelation, that God really is good. and His heart is good. and all He does is good.
in light of this conversation, i kept moving forward.

after talking to my parents and my friends, they all professed to having a peace about it. this was a huge encouragement for me.
so, i complete my app, send it in. they tell me that they'll get back to me in 4 weeks or less.
everyday after i emailed it, i prayed "Your will..not mine" and "God, if i get accepted, i think im going to go for it. i dont see why not. is that what You want?". after about 3 weeks, i start to lose heart- 'they probably forgot it or lost it or something.'
taylor (out of nowhere) tells me 'abby, tomorrow you are getting a response from them. mark my words. i know it for sure.' whatever, taylor.
so, the next day, i get an email. "abby, youve been accepted into YWAM Nairobi." i call taylor and leave her a really loud and embarassing voicemail (that apparently most of my friends got to experience). she calls me back, with jacob and landon and some others on the phone, and we all scream and laugh and overreact.
after i hang up, it hits me.
"oh crap, what if this isnt what God wants?"
"I knew you would say that. I knew you would have doubts, so I told taylor, just to reassure you that I am in this, and that I want this for you."
after a few deep breaths, the excitement dies down and the logic kicks in.
i read the full email with taylor later that night at the berryhills. apparently nose rings arent allowed, thats the only issue we could find.

fast forward a month.
ive talked to my pastor- brent, and the only kenyan i know in america- james. ive been looking at plane tickets online and trying to sort out the finances and on and on. it gets overwhelming whenever i buy into the lie that any of this is in my hands. its definitely not. and i find comfort in the fact that i have no control over my life or my future, that i am in His hands right now. and i will be everyday, as long as it is called 'today'.

i am looking forward to experiencing a different culture. i have been there once already, but i am excited about really getting a chance to immerse myself in it this time around. kenyans seem to be a little more relaxed, and a lot less time-oriented. i like that.
i am excited to see God in a new light. i think experiencing different ways of life and different mindsets really gives us a more holistic view of God's character. thats something i have really been craving lately- to know God on His own terms, for who really is. i know that my opinions or perceptions of Him dont actually change Him- but they do affect how we relate.
i am excited about spending a lot of time in the Word. i am excited about the classes i am going to take and the people i am going to spend time with.
i am excited to be completely dependent on Him. for everything, literally.

but, honestly, i'm also afraid.
i'm afraid that i've got it all wrong, i'm scared i will get over there and everything will seem mediocre- that im dreaming too big.
i'm afraid that God isn't enough to satisfy me, no matter where i am.
i am afraid that my faithlessness will affect God's faithfulness.
i'm afraid i wont find a community like i have here, and that i will miss all of the comforts of home. so much so, that it affects my ability to function.
most of all, i'm afraid my fears will consume me.
so, i fight those fears. i let God fight those fears for me. but they exist right now, nonetheless.

for right now, i am just moving forward. continuing to pursue this path that i believe Jesus has laid out for me. i am trying hard to live in the present, and love the people i am around right now. and i am getting to know God in new ways, because i know He is the same here as He is in kenya- He is the 'I am'.

penda.