it's worth it.

i'm reading Phillip Yancey's, "The Jesus I Never Knew" and he is talking about the sermon on the mount, specifically the beatitudes. everything about Jesus' teaching here is so backwards from the world, the exact opposite of what we are taught and what we know.
the world says, "blessed are the strong. blessed are the financially secure, for they dont have to worry. blessed are the safe, for they can lie down in peace. blessed are the ones with easy lives. blessed are those who hunger and thirst for a good time, and look out for number one." this is what our society tells us- and not just in the West, but everywhere in the world.
but Jesus says the total opposite. "blessed are the bombed-out and homeless. blessed are those who lose their loved ones, for they'll be comforted. blessed are those who are at the end of their rope..blessed are the emotionally unstable.. blessed are the persecuted where death is a constant reality." do you see how polar opposite this is?
i used to idealize missionary life. i used to really desire to live a life of poverty. in my mind, it was glamorous. i think i understood that it probably wasn't easy, but i did equate a poor missionary life with the pictures i got in my worldvision newsletters of smiling white girls holding black babies. that was what i wanted. that's what i expected.
but then, i went to kenya last year. within the first few weeks, all my expectations were crushed. i realized how long it took to wash your hair in a bucket and how unpleasant cold showers were. i realized how much i hated bread and milk tea for breakfast. i realized how annoying it was to be greeted by huge arachnids in the toilet when you went to pee first thing in the morning...how hard it was to be away from family..how isolated you feel when everyone around you is speaking a language you don't understand. but more than all that, i realized what it was like to be surrounded by true poverty every single day- not knowing how to respond. with every face you see, every story you hear..you want to fix it all, but you feel powerless over the oppression. and by choosing to live in such an environment, you choose to live under the hovering weight of the oppression of poverty, just like everyone else around you has done all their lives. after talking to some missionaries who had lived on the base for a while, i realized what it was like for them to invest so much time, prayer, energy, money into girls who were prostitutes on the street- only to be deceived in the end. as the girls went back to the street seemingly unchanged, i realized the intense disappointment these missionaries felt.
one time i asked her, "is it worth it? to be here as a missionary?" "it's worth it because i know God told me to. it's my only option."
phillip yancey writes about the slaves who used to live in america and write hymns rejoicing about heaven, "rather, they endured certain hardships with the prospect of other rewards in mind. they served God, trusting in turn that God would make it worth their while- if not here, then in eternity."
i guess i used to live under the impression that God would make missionary life worth it here and now. that the ministry.. or the closeness you'd feel with God..or some constant overwhelming joy would make it worthwhile. but now, i stumble across matthew 5:12 and it makes a lot more sense to me. "rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great." i see now that He alone is what makes it worth it. we aren't compensated for our suffering for Christ with better circumstances, emotional health, or more money. in fact, we aren't compensated in this life at all, except the hope we have for eternity. we are compensated with the rewards given to us by God Himself, after all is said and done in this life.
the Scripture, "you can't please God without believing He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him" also makes more sense to me. i hope that down the road, when someone sees my life, they will be forced to ask the question, "is it really worth it?" and i hope that in full faith that my answer will be a resounding "yes". i can see how that puts a big smile on God's face, because that "yes" signifies a deep trust in His goodness and faithfulness.
i ask God to give me the grace and strength to live a life that doesn't seem worth it unless there's Someone or Something after this. and i ask that He would give me the faith i need in that Someone to know that it really is worth it.

forgiveness, oppression, love, and the like.

yesterday, i watched a movie called 'tears of the sun' about the war in nigeria. rebels would raid and destroy every village they came across and mutilate everyone in sight. the evil people are capable of is terrifying and shocking. but the more jackie & i talked about it, the more we realized that same evil lies underneath the surface of all humanity, just waiting to be awakened. think about how easily hitler gathered so many people to do such horrendous things, or the way a war can completely change thousands of people. it's just our first nature, really. as i was watching this movie, i just kept thinking over and over, "His forgiveness runs so deep". He sees clearly in each of us the evil we are capable of...yet He loves us, and offers forgiveness for mutilating eachother, for rape, for oppression. that's just unreal.
i've been reading through isaiah lately. God is talking about how much injustice and oppression of the poor infuriates Him, and how He's going to destroy all evil and entire people groups and so on. i used to read those kinds of things from the old testament and just think, "well that's a little harsh, don't you think?". i used to think God was over reacting. but, lately, my eyes have been opened a little more to how disgusting evil really is. the oppression of the poor stares me in the face everyday here, and i'm starting to hate it the way God does. people going hungry, going without education. parents dying of AIDS because of lack of healthcare or education...it's all very real here. and it's not only uganda, it's most of Africa. the poverty isn't a result of the lack of resources, it's a result of corruption and oppression. and we only see from a distance the outward expression of this evil. God sees intimately and fully all that man is capable of, and all that lies within his heart. i would be pretty upset if i were Him, too. especially when you consider all the hopes He had for us from the beginning, all He intended for us to be. we fall so, so short.
i'm also seeing another side of God i've never seen before. i'm seeing more of His father heart. it pains Him to be against His own children, to have to discipline them so harshly. He is so straightforward with them and honest with them, though. He explicitly tells them, "don't do this. it's stupid and you'll get hurt". they blatantly rebel against Him, though. they refuse to listen to Him, they ask Him to shut up. and in the midst of all of it, He's like a Father who is looking forward to the day His son will come home and all will be made right again. interspersed throughout the prophesies against the nations are glimpses of hope, when we will be completely reconciled and we will know Him for who He truly is.
i've also been realizing that one of the huge reasons the israelites are so disobedient and refuse to listen is because they just dont understand who He is at all. when He offers them rest and safety and security, it's like they are totally oblivious to what that means. when He is so gentle with them, so gracious to them and so faithful to His own promises...who can resist a God like that? who can resist love like that? they must not have realized what they were being offered. in the same way i don't fully realize it. i dont fully trust in God's goodness or provision, otherwise, wouldnt i be more generous? i dont trust in His steadfast love for me, otherwise wouldnt i be more open, honest, vulnerable with Him? deep inside of me, i know that He is so much better and so different than who i perceive Him to be.
"your task here is to know that the Father loves you." God seems to keep bringing this up again and again. and i am well aware of the longings in my soul for this love.
as i was praying today, i was asking God to make His love real to me. after begging Him for a few minutes, i shut up and tried to listen. "read your journal a year ago". i did, and i realized it was a year ago today that i had my first and only "abba experience" with tim. my soul realized for the first time ever that He really is my father and He really does love me unconditionally, not for what i do, but just because He does. a year ago today, He took me up in His arms and spoke worth over me. He "invaded my heart with love". a year ago, He told me that He remembers the needs of kids. when i asked, "are you sure?", the response was a resounding "yes" as He drew me up into His arms.
a year ago today, i wrote: "my soul will be awakened by the loving Father. i will accept my own brokenness, not running from it or hiding it or trying to fix it anymore. i wont need to apologize, just be loved. i dont need to concentrate on what i should be and ignoring what i am. the future won't be ominous anymore."
and i keep coming back to this Truth: that i can only give to the extent that i receive. i can't love people with a love that comes from me. i am incapable of mustering up any kind of patience or selflessness on my own. it all comes from Him. but what if i close my heart to this Love? what then, do i have to offer anyone else? i can't love without being loved. so, this task of mine to know His love isn't something selfish or self-centered. it's the beginning to obeying the rest of His commandment: love others. it's actually the only way that this commandment can be obeyed at all. it all starts here, and i think miss that part all too often, and try to skip to the latter. "ok, i will muster up the patience with so and so today" instead of "God, you are so patient with me today." it's out of this place that we grow a heart of love for other people. that's the Truth i'm realizing.