so, ive been here a month. which is hard to believe. it doesnt feel like that long, but at the same time, a day feels like a thousand years. figure that one out. here goes nothing.
first of all, 2 weekends ago i went to kibera! it was so great. i got to see festus & all the staff, as well as boaz and collins. it was so great. i went with my good friends, susan and patra. after the hour and a half it took to get there via matatu, we walked into the slum over the (new) bridge and were immediately greeted with "welcome home!" there was a sense of home there. patra mentioned that she forgot she was in the slum because of the joy and excitement of the people. its so true. my brother festus encouraged me so much and was very hospitable. i cant wait to go back.
the third week:
this week, the classes were about breaking ungodly altars & prayer/intercession. this week, i realized that i have been operating out of religion for so long. i have been depending on my own works and my own goodness, thinking that that is what makes me to have peace with Him. Christ slowly but surely started reminded me that this is not the case at all. so, i wrestled with and talked about and prayed about this all week long.
then, on friday,this happened. and long story short, since friday, i have been learning a lot about suffering. and paradoxes. and intercession. and loss.
i realized that they way that africans relate to pain and suffering is very different than westerners.
this week, we had a few classes on missions & evangelism, but for the most part, the base just took it easy. also, i became friends with a guy from holland. we laughed and talked and understood eachother, and that was definitely a blessing to have him around. he shed light on my geographical illiteracy and allegedly pushed me out of a chair, it was great. then, he left. so that was that. anyway, people from all over the continent came in to have debriefing meetings with the staff and things of that nature, so there wasn't much for the students to do. and that meant a lot of time with God.
first, i realized that we are really walking in a land of constant paradox. like God is just and merciful. life hurts, people die, and God is good. we are called to suffer, but with joy. we are already clean, but we are to be holy. i am to embrace my brokenness, and be made whole. i think the Cross might be the key paradox of it all. for instance, this morning God told me, "my Love is what holds you together and tears you apart, it is what purifies and sanctifies you. its the reason you are already clean. my Love is His blood." wow. enough said. the ultimate paradox, God's Love. these realities have been a real challenge to wrap my mind around. its been mentally strenuous, but good.
second, i am faced with many questions because of this incident. the one that affects me the most is this: what good is God's presence when people can be assaulted and killed in it? what happened to psalm 121:7- "The Lord will watch over your life; keep you from all harm."? i am faced with the reality that following Christ does not guarantee me physical safety by any means. in fact, quite the opposite. i am promised persecution. "Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted." (2 tim 3:12) i pray that one day, i will be able to rejoice and be content during that persecution like paul. thank God that He is a heart-changer.
third, something great happened. i experienced for the first time, the love of God as my Father. after a long conversation and prayer session with my brother tim, God put His arms around me and assured me that His Love was unconditional and didnt depend on my obedience or response or lack there of. when that happened, God touched me in a deep way and everything changed. the way i related to people and myself. and i realized thats all that matters.
i think back to being in a relationship where all i wanted to do was please the other person, to surprise them with acts of love. to make them smile; that was what gave me joy. and thats the way that serving God should be, out of the same heart-attitude of love. i pray for that more and more in my life and in my heart, because that will produce the obedience in me that both me and the Lord desire.
fourth, i am really struggling with depression. i am usually bummed whenever i wake up and i realize that i have another day to get through. when i think of the future, it seems ominous and daunting. something i want to avoid. but when this love, excitement, joy of God touched me, everything changed for a time. and i wanted to live, i had desire and passion again. im praying for more of that.
well, i think thats all basically. this week has gone by really slowly, but next week classes start up again and things will go back to normal, basically.
please keep my dear sister, lora in your prayers. and thank you all so much for the prayers that have gone up for me. God is faithful in answering them. He is holding me together. hallelujah for that.
penda.
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