i'm reading Phillip Yancey's, "The Jesus I Never Knew" and he is talking about the sermon on the mount, specifically the beatitudes. everything about Jesus' teaching here is so backwards from the world, the exact opposite of what we are taught and what we know.
the world says, "blessed are the strong. blessed are the financially secure, for they dont have to worry. blessed are the safe, for they can lie down in peace. blessed are the ones with easy lives. blessed are those who hunger and thirst for a good time, and look out for number one." this is what our society tells us- and not just in the West, but everywhere in the world.
but Jesus says the total opposite. "blessed are the bombed-out and homeless. blessed are those who lose their loved ones, for they'll be comforted. blessed are those who are at the end of their rope..blessed are the emotionally unstable.. blessed are the persecuted where death is a constant reality." do you see how polar opposite this is?
i used to idealize missionary life. i used to really desire to live a life of poverty. in my mind, it was glamorous. i think i understood that it probably wasn't easy, but i did equate a poor missionary life with the pictures i got in my worldvision newsletters of smiling white girls holding black babies. that was what i wanted. that's what i expected.
but then, i went to kenya last year. within the first few weeks, all my expectations were crushed. i realized how long it took to wash your hair in a bucket and how unpleasant cold showers were. i realized how much i hated bread and milk tea for breakfast. i realized how annoying it was to be greeted by huge arachnids in the toilet when you went to pee first thing in the morning...how hard it was to be away from family..how isolated you feel when everyone around you is speaking a language you don't understand. but more than all that, i realized what it was like to be surrounded by true poverty every single day- not knowing how to respond. with every face you see, every story you hear..you want to fix it all, but you feel powerless over the oppression. and by choosing to live in such an environment, you choose to live under the hovering weight of the oppression of poverty, just like everyone else around you has done all their lives. after talking to some missionaries who had lived on the base for a while, i realized what it was like for them to invest so much time, prayer, energy, money into girls who were prostitutes on the street- only to be deceived in the end. as the girls went back to the street seemingly unchanged, i realized the intense disappointment these missionaries felt.
one time i asked her, "is it worth it? to be here as a missionary?" "it's worth it because i know God told me to. it's my only option."
phillip yancey writes about the slaves who used to live in america and write hymns rejoicing about heaven, "rather, they endured certain hardships with the prospect of other rewards in mind. they served God, trusting in turn that God would make it worth their while- if not here, then in eternity."
i guess i used to live under the impression that God would make missionary life worth it here and now. that the ministry.. or the closeness you'd feel with God..or some constant overwhelming joy would make it worthwhile. but now, i stumble across matthew 5:12 and it makes a lot more sense to me. "rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great." i see now that He alone is what makes it worth it. we aren't compensated for our suffering for Christ with better circumstances, emotional health, or more money. in fact, we aren't compensated in this life at all, except the hope we have for eternity. we are compensated with the rewards given to us by God Himself, after all is said and done in this life.
the Scripture, "you can't please God without believing He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him" also makes more sense to me. i hope that down the road, when someone sees my life, they will be forced to ask the question, "is it really worth it?" and i hope that in full faith that my answer will be a resounding "yes". i can see how that puts a big smile on God's face, because that "yes" signifies a deep trust in His goodness and faithfulness.
i ask God to give me the grace and strength to live a life that doesn't seem worth it unless there's Someone or Something after this. and i ask that He would give me the faith i need in that Someone to know that it really is worth it.
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