yesterday, i watched a movie called 'tears of the sun' about the war in nigeria. rebels would raid and destroy every village they came across and mutilate everyone in sight. the evil people are capable of is terrifying and shocking. but the more jackie & i talked about it, the more we realized that same evil lies underneath the surface of all humanity, just waiting to be awakened. think about how easily hitler gathered so many people to do such horrendous things, or the way a war can completely change thousands of people. it's just our first nature, really. as i was watching this movie, i just kept thinking over and over, "His forgiveness runs so deep". He sees clearly in each of us the evil we are capable of...yet He loves us, and offers forgiveness for mutilating eachother, for rape, for oppression. that's just unreal.
i've been reading through isaiah lately. God is talking about how much injustice and oppression of the poor infuriates Him, and how He's going to destroy all evil and entire people groups and so on. i used to read those kinds of things from the old testament and just think, "well that's a little harsh, don't you think?". i used to think God was over reacting. but, lately, my eyes have been opened a little more to how disgusting evil really is. the oppression of the poor stares me in the face everyday here, and i'm starting to hate it the way God does. people going hungry, going without education. parents dying of AIDS because of lack of healthcare or education...it's all very real here. and it's not only uganda, it's most of Africa. the poverty isn't a result of the lack of resources, it's a result of corruption and oppression. and we only see from a distance the outward expression of this evil. God sees intimately and fully all that man is capable of, and all that lies within his heart. i would be pretty upset if i were Him, too. especially when you consider all the hopes He had for us from the beginning, all He intended for us to be. we fall so, so short.
i'm also seeing another side of God i've never seen before. i'm seeing more of His father heart. it pains Him to be against His own children, to have to discipline them so harshly. He is so straightforward with them and honest with them, though. He explicitly tells them, "don't do this. it's stupid and you'll get hurt". they blatantly rebel against Him, though. they refuse to listen to Him, they ask Him to shut up. and in the midst of all of it, He's like a Father who is looking forward to the day His son will come home and all will be made right again. interspersed throughout the prophesies against the nations are glimpses of hope, when we will be completely reconciled and we will know Him for who He truly is.
i've also been realizing that one of the huge reasons the israelites are so disobedient and refuse to listen is because they just dont understand who He is at all. when He offers them rest and safety and security, it's like they are totally oblivious to what that means. when He is so gentle with them, so gracious to them and so faithful to His own promises...who can resist a God like that? who can resist love like that? they must not have realized what they were being offered. in the same way i don't fully realize it. i dont fully trust in God's goodness or provision, otherwise, wouldnt i be more generous? i dont trust in His steadfast love for me, otherwise wouldnt i be more open, honest, vulnerable with Him? deep inside of me, i know that He is so much better and so different than who i perceive Him to be.
"your task here is to know that the Father loves you." God seems to keep bringing this up again and again. and i am well aware of the longings in my soul for this love.
as i was praying today, i was asking God to make His love real to me. after begging Him for a few minutes, i shut up and tried to listen. "read your journal a year ago". i did, and i realized it was a year ago today that i had my first and only "abba experience" with tim. my soul realized for the first time ever that He really is my father and He really does love me unconditionally, not for what i do, but just because He does. a year ago today, He took me up in His arms and spoke worth over me. He "invaded my heart with love". a year ago, He told me that He remembers the needs of kids. when i asked, "are you sure?", the response was a resounding "yes" as He drew me up into His arms.
a year ago today, i wrote: "my soul will be awakened by the loving Father. i will accept my own brokenness, not running from it or hiding it or trying to fix it anymore. i wont need to apologize, just be loved. i dont need to concentrate on what i should be and ignoring what i am. the future won't be ominous anymore."
and i keep coming back to this Truth: that i can only give to the extent that i receive. i can't love people with a love that comes from me. i am incapable of mustering up any kind of patience or selflessness on my own. it all comes from Him. but what if i close my heart to this Love? what then, do i have to offer anyone else? i can't love without being loved. so, this task of mine to know His love isn't something selfish or self-centered. it's the beginning to obeying the rest of His commandment: love others. it's actually the only way that this commandment can be obeyed at all. it all starts here, and i think miss that part all too often, and try to skip to the latter. "ok, i will muster up the patience with so and so today" instead of "God, you are so patient with me today." it's out of this place that we grow a heart of love for other people. that's the Truth i'm realizing.
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