and so it begins..

this blog is to let everyone in on what God is doing in my life, mostly in regards to my trip to kenya in february. i will update this here in the states, about what He is doing and saying and how He is moving. and i will update it in kenya, about what He's doing, saying, moving- on the other side of the ocean. i pray it serves as an encouragement to everyone that takes the time to read it, and i hope it helps me stay connected to everyone that is supporting me on this trip. 

anyway, here is the back story to my decision to go after i realized God made the decision to send me:

so i walk into the franklin's house, and faith is like 'hey, i found this cool organization that i think you would like. it seems like they have the same heartbeat as you do. check them out?' so naturally, we spend the next hour and a half trying navigating http://www.ywam.org- reading about the work that God is doing through them, and what exactly they believe.
and from what we gathered, we liked it. personally, i related with their emphasis on really knowing God for who He is- for shaping our lives, minds, and hearts around His. i immediately became very drawn to YWAM.
i also pulled that whole, 'if they have a DTS in nairobi, im doing it!' card. lo and behold.. obviously they did.
i started praying about it, and considering it as an option- telling others that it is a possibility after i graduate.
the whole process of applying and contacting them and gathering information really solidified my desire to go there.
i talked to mama franklin, and voiced how im not able to trust myself and my own desires. i told her that im afraid God has called me to a life of circumstantial mediocrity- the last thing i want. im afraid that He wants me to stay in the states, get a 9-5 and have 3 kids. now, that lifestyle suits a lot of people very well, and God has just as much purpose for that as He does mother teresa's lifestyle. but either way, i just knew that wasnt 'for me'. never have i envisioned my life to look like that. but either way, i thought maybe He has given me these desires for missions and poverty just to torment me- to make me miserable. after telling her all of this she said, "abby, if you ask God to give you the desires of your heart- not to fulfill them, but give them to you in the first place- He will do that. if your heart is honest in that prayer, you simply have to trust that that is what is going on here. that He has given you these desires and He plans to fulfill them." this was news to me! what a revelation, that God really is good. and His heart is good. and all He does is good.
in light of this conversation, i kept moving forward.

after talking to my parents and my friends, they all professed to having a peace about it. this was a huge encouragement for me.
so, i complete my app, send it in. they tell me that they'll get back to me in 4 weeks or less.
everyday after i emailed it, i prayed "Your will..not mine" and "God, if i get accepted, i think im going to go for it. i dont see why not. is that what You want?". after about 3 weeks, i start to lose heart- 'they probably forgot it or lost it or something.'
taylor (out of nowhere) tells me 'abby, tomorrow you are getting a response from them. mark my words. i know it for sure.' whatever, taylor.
so, the next day, i get an email. "abby, youve been accepted into YWAM Nairobi." i call taylor and leave her a really loud and embarassing voicemail (that apparently most of my friends got to experience). she calls me back, with jacob and landon and some others on the phone, and we all scream and laugh and overreact.
after i hang up, it hits me.
"oh crap, what if this isnt what God wants?"
"I knew you would say that. I knew you would have doubts, so I told taylor, just to reassure you that I am in this, and that I want this for you."
after a few deep breaths, the excitement dies down and the logic kicks in.
i read the full email with taylor later that night at the berryhills. apparently nose rings arent allowed, thats the only issue we could find.

fast forward a month.
ive talked to my pastor- brent, and the only kenyan i know in america- james. ive been looking at plane tickets online and trying to sort out the finances and on and on. it gets overwhelming whenever i buy into the lie that any of this is in my hands. its definitely not. and i find comfort in the fact that i have no control over my life or my future, that i am in His hands right now. and i will be everyday, as long as it is called 'today'.

i am looking forward to experiencing a different culture. i have been there once already, but i am excited about really getting a chance to immerse myself in it this time around. kenyans seem to be a little more relaxed, and a lot less time-oriented. i like that.
i am excited to see God in a new light. i think experiencing different ways of life and different mindsets really gives us a more holistic view of God's character. thats something i have really been craving lately- to know God on His own terms, for who really is. i know that my opinions or perceptions of Him dont actually change Him- but they do affect how we relate.
i am excited about spending a lot of time in the Word. i am excited about the classes i am going to take and the people i am going to spend time with.
i am excited to be completely dependent on Him. for everything, literally.

but, honestly, i'm also afraid.
i'm afraid that i've got it all wrong, i'm scared i will get over there and everything will seem mediocre- that im dreaming too big.
i'm afraid that God isn't enough to satisfy me, no matter where i am.
i am afraid that my faithlessness will affect God's faithfulness.
i'm afraid i wont find a community like i have here, and that i will miss all of the comforts of home. so much so, that it affects my ability to function.
most of all, i'm afraid my fears will consume me.
so, i fight those fears. i let God fight those fears for me. but they exist right now, nonetheless.

for right now, i am just moving forward. continuing to pursue this path that i believe Jesus has laid out for me. i am trying hard to live in the present, and love the people i am around right now. and i am getting to know God in new ways, because i know He is the same here as He is in kenya- He is the 'I am'.

penda.